In journalling, I notice how often I think about myself. How often I judge others and put them down in my head so I can “feel” better about myself, which I don’t because then I judge myself for judging. When making my podcast I think about what others think about me. When interacting with others I worry about what other people will think about me. I filter myself like crazy to try and control what other people think of me. I think about me…all day long. I feel good when I complete my to-dos. I get frustrated when things or people get in the way of me completing my to-dos. Or when my schedule is thrown off. I consider other people…but only after myself and with very little sacrifice on my part. I fear my kids suffer the most. I feel like my eyes are closed and I don’t really see them (main thought). I interact and tolerate them…then judge myself but then don’t change anything. I feel shame for not showing up as I desire to AND fear about being involved more. What if I get it wrong? What if they reject me? What if they don’t comply and make it really hard? I don’t want to be around my kids when they are being difficult (or just normal whiny kids).
I want to get over myself and be more present with them. I am assuming getting over myself will help me be more present. I want to stop this cycle and actually enjoy my kids and not want to run away so often.
What can I do to get those results? How do I get over myself and see my kids as they are without judgment?