How do i start feeling again?

HIIII Brooke,
At one point in time I had told myself —– “I will never feel the yucky, horrible, depressive emotions again. I will not feel horrible. I will freeze myself and just be peaceful and not experience any strong emotions. I will not experience/block sudden jerks of unhappy/very happy emotions because it leaves me seriously bitter. I will stay neutral all day everyday without any contrasting emotions so that i dont feel this horrible again.”
I am realising it doesnt help me today because i feel frozen, numb and depressed due to these thoughts. How do i change it so that i can feel all emotions today?