The following work came up in my 20 minute coaching after I brought my unwanted to the call – A: eating snacks when I get home from work.
During the call, we identified a model of mine that goes like this:
C: Work day is done
T: Was I good or bad today?
A: I review the day in my mind
I decide if I was good or bad at each specific moment, during each meeting, each thing that I did interacting with people, decisions that I made.
R: If bad, I jump to a “I was bad” model
If good, I jump to a “I did okay” model
C: I review my day
T: I did okay
A: Walk around the house to shake off the day
Eat and drink wine as reward
Don’t do workout
R: I give myself a temporary bump of pleasure but I don’t do the thing that I want to be doing – working out
C: I review my day
T: I was bad today
A: Walk around the house anxiously
Eat and drink wine as consolation
As soon as my husband walks in the door, download the day on him to find out if he thinks I was a bad as I think I was
R: I get temporary relief from the shame but the worries come back as I’m trying to fall asleep
On those rare occasions that my T is “You did GREAT!” instead of just “You did okay” (which is always tinged with a fear that today was okay but there’s always tomorrow….), I have so much energy in the evening. So much optimism and creativity and joie de vivre.
However, the solution isn’t to learn to think “You did GREAT” all of the time, the solution that I seek is to tone down the judging itself. Learning that I don’t need to label my performance in a day as good or bad, I can just simply “be”.
I understand the source of the judging – my childhood days where I decided that it was easier to be perfect than face my parents’ hurt/confused/negative feelings and the subsequent uncomfortable conversations where my behaviour was called out.
But I fear that if I stop judging myself, bad things will happen. The thread of T’s about judging is this:
– Unjudged me is an unbridled me
– Unbridled me hurts peoples’ feelings and doesn’t know it
– When I hurt peoples’ feelings, I put relationships at risk
Can you please suggest a next step for these last points? At the moment, I have a very tight grip on the judging. Thanks.