How to Change My Negative Belief


I woke up this morning with the familiar temptation to ignore my alarm and sleep in, feeling dread and depressed. I decided instead of ignoring it and moving into “gratitude yoga” which I’ve been trying to do to start off my days (some days I wake up and don’t feel dread right away and there’s a window of opportunity to quiet my mind and start stretching and putting good things in my head before the negative comes back but some days I wake up to it immediately).

I decided to ask myself why I was feeling this and for obvious reason… I have a belief that life is hard and it will never get better. I want to change that belief, but my brain is finding ALL the evidence. My roommates who only stayed here 2 months are moving out at the end of the week and I don’t have a signed roommate for next month. I think because last time it took me 2.5 months on my own here to find people, that circumstance is triggering some fearful thoughts for me because I don’t want to pay rent alone again. I proved to myself that I can do it and that felt good, but I decided I would never want to spend that on rent again.
I have a laundry list of reasons I want to work on changing but let’s go with financially speaking:

When I am trying to find some ways in which life HAS gotten better to disprove the belief to myself, I have more and more and more to back it up. When I think, I saved $10,000 this year (if anything its usually $3k), my brains response is “yeah, just to spend it on medical debt, a broken cell phone and paying rent by yourself again. It felt like torture to work as hard as you did and avoid buying things/experiences that bring you pleasure just so you could meet what your financial advisor recommends as en emergency fund. Now you’ll have to start all over” I am also thinking how I lost my airbnb which was proving to me that money COULD be easier to earn (but the city shut me down because it’s not my house) and how I’ve unexpectedly lost more of my cleaning clients (my back up job- I hate cleaning) and so my income is back down to a point where I NEED roommates or I will be using savings to pay rent.

Going back to the 10k savings: It’s really not 10k yet, I’m at 8k… The medical debt and broken cell phone are true- I need a phone for work so obviously I replaced that. Medical debt will have to be paid to keep my great credit score, so that’s another 5k, so in reality i have 3k saved. Rent is not happening yet, but that’s where my brain goes because I’m so afraid of losing this money because I think I worked so hard for it and it’s 3 days away from the 1st of the month and no one has signed for the rooms yet. I want to believe that making money is easy and that I will always have enough…. How do I get there from here? I think it’s hard just to even believe that money coming easily COULD be an option. But I do recognize that my thoughts are creating my feelings here. I think I also think my circumstances are just impossible to think about positively if anyone was also in my shoes and had the backstory LOL