How to Change Your Family Workshop follow up Question RE Daughter/Children:
I just attended the How to Change Your Family Workshop with Natalie Brown, and get that we cannot change anyone other than ourselves…. at the same time I have a daughter (7 yrs old) that I (and others) sometimes find challenging. I have read numerous parenting books with various techniques on how to parent better.
I get stuck in two places.
1) I tell myself that if she is “disrespectful” that I have not done a good enough job parenting, and that I need new skills, etc. This has led to results of me researching a lot of parenting techniques, and as a result finding some that I believe are helpful. I understand that “disrespectful” is a T that comes when C = yelling, talking back, not following rules (at home or school or other places), hitting, kicking, biting her sister, me, other children.
2) I believe it is my responsibility as a parent to help my child develop into a kind, compassionate, fulfilled, contributing, happy member of society.
If my child is engaging in behaviors I interpret as “disrespectful” (or harmful to others), I am worrried
1- I have failed in my responsiblity as a parent
2 – I will be judged by others as failing as a parent
3 – other people will judge my child and not want their child to play with my child (which has happened), and that my child will be hurt, sad, unhappy… again I have failed in my primary responsibility.
I am going to imagine that a response might be: all of these thoughts are optional, you can choose to believe your daughter is awesome, which she kicks a younger child when the child is bothering her, or claws after her sister when her (4 year old) sister has something she wants, yells at you, has a temper tantrum, or any other behavior.
However then I believe I am being too “lazy” or not taking my parenting responsibility seriously… and feels goes against my values of respecting others, if I choose to think she is awesome when she is doing one of these type of behaviors.
I have come some way in not being so annoyed by her just baseline loud volume and sudden strong movements (that often end in her or someone else getting hurt, even by accident).
However, even when she was 4 years old, an 8 year old child told her she was the “most annoying person” she had ever met.
I imagine if I do not teach her how to manage within our cultural norms (at least some of them) then I am
1) failing my daughter
2) failing society, when I add a disrespectful/unkind member to the world.
Of note my daughter is not “continuously” like this, just frequently, and enough that is has impacted our social life and she and I have received feedback on her behavior.
Thank you so much!