How to continue friendship

My coaching call today was cancelled, so I try to get some clarity by writing it down – sorry, it’s lengthy.


My longtime best friend and I were going to meet for lunch, as we often do. But somehow, that very day, it became clear what Covid actually meant and we decided to talk on the phone instead. We were both stressed, I think. The phone call went kind of strangely, but I didn’t give it much thought. Shortly after that I got an email from her telling me that she found my attitude towards Covid cynical (I had said that maybe the situation could be good for something e.g. the environment). I wrote back and explained that I read out that she is afraid and I feel the same way and my way of dealing with fear is to deal with it only when the time comes. She just wrote back that she found it cynical. I did not answer, that was 2 years ago now. Last year she wished me a happy birthday by sms. I thanked her and asked how she was doing. No answer. Two months later I congratulated her on her birthday and got a “thank you”, nothing more. We have not heard from each other the whole time. Now she wished me happy birthday again. I did not answer. Not because I’m angry or anything, it’s just not that important to me anymore. Eta a week later she wrote me a mail, she is worried if I might be sick. She also felt like meeting me again. She understands if I don’t want to, but she wants to follow her impulse and ask me. – I write all this so that you understand my model:

C: She writes x
T: She thought I was cynical and was not ready to talk about it and even now she does not apologize
F: angry, sad
A: do not answer
R: no contact (am I acting cynical?).

But honestly – it is ambivalent. I think there are different models:

C: She writes x
T: I don’t feel like a complicated relationship discussion
F: resistance
A: do not answer
R: No contact

But also:

C: She writes x
T: I wish it was as easy as before this incident again
F: Regret
A: Maybe: Reply and meet her and clarify the situation as much as I can (or clarify by mail?).
R: Either a REALLY bad fight or we get along again.

How do I decide on a model?