How to decide if divorce is the answer

Hi Brooke, I’m a longtime self-help junkie, and recently found you a few months ago. I’m very aware of how I create my reality through my thoughts, emotions and actions. And it’s something that I live with everyday (even if I can’t always stop the negative thoughts, I’m still aware of how they’re affecting me/my life).

That being said, one area I’m struggling with significantly is my marriage. My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, married for 2. We met when I was still very deep in buffering–alcohol and bulimia were my two crutches. One of the only things we had in common, aside from being playful and being able to laugh and enjoy life together, was going out and drinking. When I started my self-help journey, after realizing I wasn’t actively guiding my life, but rather just coasting through what I was being handed, a rift was formed between my husband and I.

I’ve been living with this feeling that, although my husband is kind, gentle and one of the best men I’ve ever been with (all the rest have been emotionally/physically abusive), he’s just not right for me, or that we’re on two different paths. Without judgment, I should note that he is not great at communication, buffers with weed and the internet, and doesn’t really engage or talk with me. I’m deeply curious, I love learning, I love having long and deep conversations and this is a massive piece missing from our relationship.

So two sides of me have been at odds with each other and I’m hoping to get some direction here. On the one side, I’m thinking I should just love him unconditionally, that although he doesn’t give me everything I need intellectually or emotionally, perhaps that’s just a reflection of the things I’m not giving myself in other ways. It’s my responsibility and perception of our marriage that is making me miserable.

On the other side, I’m thinking that while that’s true, I’m responsible for my own happiness/fulfillment/joy and that will never be anyone else’s responsibility, our environment (and the people we surround ourselves with most) is not only what makes life worth living, but also a huge indication of where and how far you will go in life. I am massively motivated, pushing in my career as a writer, and starting a multifaceted coaching business, and I can’t stop feeling like I wish I had a partner that was interested in the same things I am. And when I say that, I mean a partner who doesn’t look down on self help, who is interested in bettering himself and is generally as motivated to live his life as fully as I am.

So where do you draw the line? I absolutely believe our thoughts make our reality, and I have created negative perceptions about my husband that have fueled my desire to leave, however I also don’t believe we should stay with people that aren’t on the same path or aren’t growing with us. I’m basically making myself insane because I don’t know how much of this I’ve created in my head verse how much of this is very real, and how much our marriage is hindering my own growth and evolution.

I don’t know how to leave the good man. Send help! Thanks