How to feel my feelings?


I am feeling orphaned and victimized by my family on an emotional level and haven’t felt this before to this degree. I notice I’m also trying to be perfect and act like an enlightened little Buddha with them and even just on my own. But the orphaned feeling is still there and I noticed it “spreading” to other areas today.

Instead of just feeling down about my family discord, I feel semi-down about having moved to Puerto Rico. It has a culture of fear on some level. The lines are long everywhere. Things are super strict with COVID and the vaccine. And today I saw how some of my new friends have formed closer friendships with each other than I have. Last week I was grateful to have 11 people coming out for my birthday and felt like my cup was so full. Now I’m analyzing how I could be doing a better job connecting with new friends. The island is also gorgeous and has a nice expat community of like minded people, but I’m not focusing on that.

I also apologized to my best friend about being a broken record about my family issues even though I know it’s fine. I’m just feeling like a lowly creature who needs to apologize for her existence or something.

I also was kinda excited about a guy Friday. I was focused on how gorgeous and nice he is and that he seems like a good communicator and someone who is transparent. We had a great time dancing and he asked if I was single. Neither of us wants kids, but we both want a relationship. Now I’m focused on how he doesn’t have the same career/financial aspirations I do and probably smokes too much weed and so I couldn’t have the relationship I’d want with him . . . and how it’s just so hard to find someone and I have this longing for security and comfort that won’t be met.

With all these things there’s a sense of wanting permanence. Permanence of location, life partner and great friends/community. But I also know that’s not usually how life works. It feels like all of this is stemming from fighting with my family. I have cried multiple times about it and I don’t want to wallow, but I do want to process the emotions–which is hard because I keep getting emails and messages from them that feel angry/judgy/distancing–and be able to move on. It feels unbearable at times.

What do you suggest?