How to forgive myself for failing, while also not continuing the behavior I’m trying to outgrow?


Hi there, thanks so much for providing this service!

I am new to Scholars and have already found so much value in learning how to do this work. I’ve been “doing the work” in the self-help arena for a long time, and it’s been so refreshing to find a place where there is such an incredible reserve of resources and guidance, while also understanding that The Work lies solely in the hands of each person and how we navigate our lives. And here’s the rub: the work done in this arena is incredibly empowering… and incredibly HARD! I guess I’m not used to leveling-up in such big ways (perhaps I’ve inched my way to where I am, over the years).

I guess here’s what my question is:

When I mess up, how do I forgive myself while also not continuing to condone behavior I am practicing outgrowing?

Here’s a concrete example:

I am currently working through the overeating protocol videos and developing what I consider to be a more conscious relationship with food and alcohol. I’ve been at this game for almost 2 decades and am now trying to accomplish this goal once and for all via Scholars. So last night: our family went out with our good friends to celebrate a milestone. I had wine and a strong cocktail with dinner and got kind of drunk. Then I came home and ate a ton of dried cereal in front of the T.V. and felt like a lump of crap about it. Then I went to bed and got horrible sleep because I wasn’t sober. Then I woke up feeling like I had completely failed at my goal of developing a more conscious relationship with food and alcohol.

I did a thought download about it and my question is two part:

1) When we feel like we failed at something along the journey towards our goal, what is the process for working the model? What I’ve been doing is: I’ll do a thought download, then do an unintentional model and an intentional model. But then I feel like I’m trying to fix something that happened in the past. Is that how we’re supposed to level up for our future? By changing our perspective on what we could’ve done better in the past? But that seems so passive – How do we apply the model *forward*, towards practicing becoming our future self?

2) Here is my unintentional model and my intentional model. As you see, it’s all based in the past, which doesn’t feel very empowering.

Thanks so much on your clarity surrounding this!!

Unintentional Model:

C – I had two alcoholic beverages, maybe 10-20 handfuls of dry cereal (can’t remember exactly), and had my sleep patterns interrupted by the alcohol I consumed.
T – I am never going to be able to accomplish my goal of eating and drinking less. I’ve never been able to for 20 years, why would I be able to through Scholars?
F – Defeated
A – I skipped my morning workout to try and sleep a little more. I went and got a latte to try and wake myself up. I did a thought download and am doing a model to try and practice becoming more conscious about where I screwed up. I feel defeated but am trying not to give up. I recognize that I need to work on forgiving myself but I don’t want to forgive myself and also allow more of the same behavior.
R – I didn’t use constraint in eating and drinking yesterday and therefore missed a chance at leveling up.

Intentional Model:

C – I had two alcoholic beverages, maybe 10-20 handfuls of dry cereal (can’t remember exactly), and had my sleep patterns interrupted by the alcohol I consumed.
T – I experienced a misstep. I will try again.
F – Hopeful
A – Recognize that failures come in all shapes and sizes. Feel guilt and shame. Forgive myself and move on with my work in Scholars.
R – I keep going the path.