How to Get Over Someone Who "Breadcrumbed" Me


Thank you for helping me with my issue. This fall I separated from my husband of 17 years and became involved with someone who was “in” and “out” with me emotionally. Sometimes he would seem extremely interested in me, and sometimes he wouldn’t. This was extremely painful to me, as I liked him, and the times he was with me were fantastic. He told me he was still getting over someone and was only interested in a physical relationship, and I still fell for him – hard – even though these are typical red flags. I wish I had listened to the red flags before getting involved. After I had a medical issue where I had to go to the doctor, and he didn’t reach out to check on me, I ended things. I ended up deleting his number and blocking him from my phone.

So now it’s been 6 weeks and I still wake up thinking about him, wishing he would reach out. I wish he was different. I wish things had been different. I’ve replayed scenarios wondering where things went wrong. I really liked him. How do I get over this? I have been feeling my feelings and crying when I need to cry and slowly putting things back together. I guess the second question is – what am I making this mean about me that he behaved this way? And that’s the painful part. I think I’m making it mean that I’m not going to find the kind of relationship I want, that I am flawed somehow. I wish I could see that it was just him, and not about me, but I’m having the hardest time doing that and thinking that way. I am also reading tons of books and materials on this subject – Women Who Love Too Much and have found multiple groups and websites to educate and empower women in dating. I don’t think I’d fall for this kind of thing again.

I also am trying to work things out with my husband and I have a lot of guilt and shame over getting involved with someone else so quickly and then getting my heart smashed. I am not sure which direction I want to go in in my life with my relationships. I want to be with someone who truly loves me.

I’m not even sure which model to start with because this is so multi-layered, but I’ll give it a try.

UM –
C- relationships
T – I’m not going to find the kind of relationship I want
F – defeated
A – settle for what I am offered, settle for emotional breadcrumbing, tell myself I am ok with subpar treatment from men
R – I don’t find the kind of relationship I want

IM-
C – relationships
T – It is possible I can find the kind of relationship I want.
F – hopeful
A – read and learn about healthy relationships, try to work on things with my husband, go to therapy and counseling with him, try to work on our marriage, remain hopeful about my future
R – I can work on creating the kind of relationship I want