How to handle feeling hurt in a friendship


A close friend of mine did something in the past that I was quite hurt by because I interpreted her actions to mean that she didn’t value me. I was caught off guard by what she did and I did not tell her in the moment how I felt. I coached myself around this and reminded myself that it was just my own thoughts creating my feelings. On an intellectual level, I don’t think my friend doesn’t value me or meant to hurt me (I’m not sure if she even knows I was hurt). However, part of me is very wed to the old narrative, because I find myself often reminded of her past behavior and replaying feeling hurt and angry.

Where I am struggling is whether I confront her about my feelings or continue work through it on my own. I think that part of me wants to get it out in the open so I don’t feel so disingenuous around her- it feels to me like there is a secret I am keeping. Part of me is also looking to change the circumstance by allowing her explain her true intentions and tell me that she values me so that I can change my old belief about what happened. If I’m really honest with myself, there is also a part of me that hopes she will feel bad for doing something that created pain for me (I for sure know this is not the right reason to confront her and would not come at it from this space, but just being honest with myself…).

I know I can eventually reprogram my brain into no longer believing the old story. But I have felt a strain in our relationship for 6 months and it might be a whole lot faster resolution to just talk about it with her. Is telling my friend how I feel cheating? I worry that it will upset her that I have been holding this in for so long and may also create a strain on the relationship from her side.