I feel quite clear on when someone does something that violates a boundary what I can do e.g. “If you are repeatedly late, I won’t wait around”. But what if someone doesn’t do something e.g. doesn’t invite/ include me, doesn’t respond to messages, doesn’t show up to my celebrations, doesn’t read my work (despite them being very interested in the field).

I guess this is a manual issue, but I actually think it’s ok to want someone who claims to be a close friend to turn up to my celebrations (unless of course, they have a reason), or to return my calls when it’s concerning something that needs an answer, etc. or to show an interest in my work.

I’ve tried saying “I’d love to join you next time you—” or “I’d love to get your thoughts on the piece I published”, but these requests (done calmly and lovingly) have not changed anything, so what would my action be? Every which way I try to formulate it just sounds controlling “If you don’t invite me…” etc.

Or is this a question of when someone’s words and actions don’t add up to trust their actions? E.g. a friend who says repeatedly how much I mean to her and how much she respects me as a writer, but has never read my work (she admitted to another person in front of me that she had not yet read any of my writings) or a friend who says I’m her closest friend and how much fun I am, but has never included me in her social events?

I’ve done multiple models around all this and can’t seem to get to the root of it.