My husband and I have been in a long-established pattern I’ll sum up this way: I am the Anger Queen and he is King of the Cave. For years I’ve tried to pry out of him the acknowledgment I crave but now that I’m working the LCS program I have shifted gears and spend more time looking at how I can learn to acknowledge myself (which much to my surprise is going really well as I make specific, genuine efforts.)
We had a spousal meeting the other day in which I did my best to communicate the changes I am learning about. He knows how his remoteness has been really hard for me, and the bottom line is we do love each other. Yesterday, B stopped and picked me a pail full of bright beautiful zinnias and some spiky, feathery flowers I don’t know the name of.
I feel myself in an in-between space where I have pulled back from my usual latching on to B for connection and instead am focused on how I go about thinking about things. Earlier today I was feeling self-judgmental about feeling myself in retreat but now I see it as a necessary step into a new area. This morning, even as I looked at my bright summer flowers, I felt annoyed with him, angry at him for being so remote for so long, and fearful I am going to find out that I don’t love him like I thought I did. That’s a scary thought and I don’t know what it means. In NOT KNOWING I feel this big space inside me open and in it is a lot of sadness. But I think not knowing is probably good right now. My question is how to proceed and here are my models:
UM Model #1 How to Proceed
C B and I had a spousal meeting
T When I look at things without spinning them, I will find out stuff I don’t want to know
F Afraid; Alarmed
A I hide a little
R I steer clear of him
IM Model #2 How to Proceed
C B and I had a spousal meeting
T I believe it is possible for me to navigate calmly whatever comes up
F Self-Confident
A I stay in respectful, calm communication
R I am willing to experience my feelings without going away
Any thoughts on how I’m thinking this through? I feel a bit shaky in this new territory.
