How to set boundaries


Are there any specific materials in the Study Vault that I could utilize to explore how to learn to set and enforce boundaries better?

In the meantime, maybe you have some advice for my current model?

C: My aunt rang my buzzer at the apartment I’m staying at, after we had spoken on the phone 30 minutes prior and I had declined going on a walk together, citing having just been on a walk and being home making dinner.
T: This is no longer a safe space to fully relax.
F: Violated: my eyes are getting watery and my chest feels tight
A: Buffer with food, lots of random activities and jumping between tasks instead of focusing or being intentional about my time.
R: I create not “fully relaxing” or feeling “fully safe” in this apartment.

Also thought downloading about it went something like this. I told her already recently that I LOVE that she thinks of me and wants to connect and that I LOVE when we do something together like go on a walk or cook together, but that I’m not usually very good at phone calls. I wish that telling her that was enough, but clearly this is the universe serving up an opportunity for me to be challenged into setting up clearer expectations and preferences and if/then boundary statements. But I’m not sure what I do and do not want since my schedule is indeed pretty flexible.

Right now I think I would like all phone calls and hangouts to be scheduled at least several hours in advance or ideally the day before, and I want them to have an EXACT start time, for example 6:45pm, rather than “sometime tonight.” But I worry it will be too demanding of me, or that me needing these boundaries makes me weak in that I’m “unable to handle spontaneity” a thought that of course leads to that being proven true in my result line. Anyway, I want to tell her somehow that I DO NOT LIKE SPONTANEITY, and I like all social engagements to be planned with a specific start time, but

1) I do not want her to be offended and think I do not love that she cares about me, or that I do not love her

2) I worry that she will judge me for being such a weak or weird or hypocritical person (or some variation of that) that I can’t handle spontaneity.

3) I don’t want to judge myself the way I currently am for disliking the spontaneous calls, video calls, and knocks on the door at all hours of the day. I feel like if I were more disciplined, I could tell her that I have certain office hours in which she can call, but I do not currently live with that degree of adherence to my Monday hour one plans, and I like to have more flexibility than an “office hours.”

So I guess what the real issue is I like flexibility and varying things, but I really dislike spontaneity, and I want to have specific start times planned in advance for phone calls, video calls, and in-person visits and hang-outs. Otherwise, I sit on edge thinking that my time and space could be interrupted, examined and judged, and violated at any moment, and I don’t like that. I could probably just change my thoughts to not mind the spontaneity, but I really really dislike it, and I need practice setting boundaries anyway since I can only remember one instance where I did it intentionally and successfully, and I can’t remember any other instances where I have tried. I would like to tell her that if she calls without a pre-planned time arrangement for when to talk, that I will not answer, since I really don’t like spontaneity when it comes to being social. I’m not sure how I would feel about if I were to request she even just sent a 5 minute warning, like a text saying, “Can I call you in 5 minutes?” or something. I think that might not be enough warning for me to mentally prepare to be socially engaged. *sigh* Thank you for reading this long ramble! I am going to bring this topic up at my next coaching session as well.