My significant other of 1.5 years is out of the country, he is building a business elsewhere. The communication is often spotty and so our communication is often spotty, which tends to frustrate me, we text a lot. He is gone for weeks at a time. He works crazy long hours when there and gets very stressed. We tend to get in spats when he’s gone, often having to do with my desire for greater communication.
2 weeks ago we had an “argument” via text and haven’t spoken since. I am supporting him from here helping with the bookkeeping/taxes, and his son’s college applications. I’ve invested in this business, and he views this debt as something that weighs on him, feels pressure to pay me back (the pressure is in his mind). The fight involved me making a remark about my investment, which I immediately wanted to retract, and which deeply offended him. I’ve apologized repeatedly and wanted to have a conversation, but he has very deliberately avoided me.
I sent some emails with updates and questions about bookkeeping.
After 2 weeks of his not responding to me at all, I got an email. Telling me he’s very very busy working to make sales so he can pay me back. That he will talk to me when he returns about a payment plan. That he wishes he never accepted my loan. That he’s very upset. But also saying stop helping my son, I will do it myself. Stop working on the books, I will hire someone to do it.
I love him very much and when I dropped him at the airport, I believed he loved me very much as well. I believe we are in the valley of building this business, where the $$$ and effort/sacrifices are @ maximum, not yet cash flow positive. I believe this is driving his stress, maybe mine too.
My unintentional model:
C: his email & what it says
T: He is going to break up with me.
F: panic & distress
R: crying, can’t sleep, can’t eat
C: his email
T: he is under extreme stress
A: calm myself down
C: his email
T: I know he loves me, and we’ll work this out when he’s home
A: I act patient and calm, go about my life
C: his email
T: we are in the valley, peak stress/sacrifice, stress on our relationship is likely part of the process
A: I wait patiently calmly
Problem is, it isn’t working well. I’m struggling to sleep even waking up from sleep extremely anxious/panicked about this. Maybe I just need to feel this feeling, allow it? It is not easy to “allow” anxiety and panic. I love this person, see him in my life forever and to think of him leaving me is upsetting.
I’ve also considered his models about the money, which are not the same as mine (he hates that he owes me $$$. Calls it “the ugly part” of out relationship) It bothers me far far less.
Appreciate any insight. He won’t be home for at least another week. I need to sleep 😵