How To Think About How He Thinks?


My husband of ten years had a nervous breakdown the last Thursday.
He has a female friend for years who expressed to him that she is interested in him romantically. He does not share her feelings but enjoys seeing her from time to time, as a friend.
When she met me, she said to me that I am not worth him and that I will never make him happy. That was nine years ago.
I chose to never see her again.
Her daughter visited the US and he wanted her to come to our home and hang out. I told him that I prefer not to hang out with them and that I will join them for ten minutes or so and let them be.
He got upset and said his friend’s family always host him warmly and everyone is around and welcoming.
I let him get upset and said it is my right to choose not to spend time with the daughter of his female friend who is romantically interested in him still very much and who insulted me nine years ago. I have nothing against the daughter but also no interest in keeping her company.
He started screaming, shaking all throughout his body and said: “Fuck this! I can’t stand this! I can’t stand this life! I can’t stand this fucked up life with you!”
He then got up, cursed for another two whole minutes, slammed the door and left.

I was left shaken and decided to pack myself a bag and not come home that day.
When he was away, I packed myself everything I need for the day and got myself an early check-in hotel room.

He sent hours later a text message that he is sorry for the morning. I ignored it.
At night he texted again, asking if I am okay.
And then when it was almost midnight he texted again, ‘Are you coming home tonight?’ to which I replied, ‘No.’

We had a marriage of several years with many arguments, cold shoulder and never connected physically from the very beginning. So much so that after two years of marriage we stopped trying to have sex and are not intimate in any way for seven years.
We became good friends, good roommates, et best.

Now I find myself asking myself a question – he said his life with me is fucked up and that he can’t stand it.
I would like for him to have the life that he wants and if that’s not with me, that’s fine.

I know this – I did not appreciate being yelled at just because I am not willing to sit more than ten minutes with that girl. I do not appreciate being cursed and seeing my husband physically coming at me, all shaken.
I don’t want to feel great about it and that “it’s my favorite” like someone we know would say.

In my mind there are things one says during a fight and there are things you can say, but which have consequences, like, admitting that your life with this spouse is fucked and that you are sick of it.
Because it begs the question – why does he stay, then?

And if he does decide to stay if we will be able to overcome this, what do I want to make it mean that he confessed to me with how he really feels about our marriage?