I was listening to an older clip and Brooke said that she just decided to love herself and want herself. I understand what she means because I want OTHERS to want me. I want other people to want me so I don’t feel so alone or whatever.

What exactly does that mean, to want yourself? I’m interpreting it to mean that “I want to be myself,” not even as in authenticity but just that I want to be me.

I currently don’t enjoy myself particularly. I know this because I have no idea why my boyfriend likes me or spends time with me. He tells me he had a great evening and I literally ask him why? I say “thanks, but I have no idea why. I’m stressed out all the time and I’m frustrated and moody. I appreciate you so much but I can barely stand my own company.” I’ll laugh about it, but that’s how I actually feel. I’m baffled that anyone wants to hang out with me.

So needless to say, I don’t think I “want” myself. I’d actually really rather be someone else.

Am I like, supposed to like myself? Do other people like themselves? I certainly think I’m “fine”, but do I want to be me? Meh…. I’m not so sure.

But, I CAN practice wanting to be myself. For some reason those words make more sense than to “want” myself. I guess I could think of how I want another to feel about me. I want them to want me to be around. I want them to want intimacy and closeness with me. I want them to want to know everything about me, the funny quirky things. I want them to appreciate and love those things. I want them to admire how I look and the way I keep my home and the way I live my life and cook my food. I want them to notice the candles I like and flowers I enjoy.

Am I just supposed to like these things about myself?