Hi,

I’ve been struggling in my thoughts about my husband and some of his behavior.

A couple of years ago my husband became addicted to opioids and benzodiazepines. It’s a long story so I will spare details. During that time my thought was that he was “checked out”, “mean”, “only cared about his meds”, etc. The “story” of his addiction ended in him nearly losing his life after driving and crashing his car while under the influence of opioids. It took him a while to taper off of those medications and his doctor gave him a replacement drug called suboxone. It was supposed to be temporary but he’s been on it for about 18 months.

My husband says he is very tired every day and he sleeps for hours. If I don’t wake him on a Saturday he sleeps until 5 PM, he gets up for about 3 hours and goes back to bed. We had two sleep studies done and he was diagnosed with complex sleep apnea. The doctor told us that the central sleep apnea component is being caused by the suboxone because it disrupts the signal to the body to breathe. The doctor also said my husband’s weight is contributing and it would help if he lost some weight. He told the doctor at that time that he was going to taper off the suboxone and that he wanted to lose weight. Since then he’s taking more suboxone and has gained weight.

The sleep mask he was prescribed is covered by insurance if he wears it 21 days out of the month, otherwise we get billed. Every night I remind my husband to put on his mask and I think he’s annoyed at me for asking. I decided to experiment and not remind him. For 10 days he didn’t use his mask and then I started to remind him again.

T: he doesn’t care about taking care of his health
F: frustrated
A: remind him to use his mask, in a frustrated way
R: we’re both frustrated

The main thoughts that are causing me pain are:

“I had to do everything when he was addicted because he was checked out, now I have to do everything because he is asleep all the time.”

“I miss him when he sleeps all day.”

“I’m going to have to raise our children by myself because my husband is going to sleep all of the time.”

“I’m tired from working a full time job, taking care of the house and the dog while my husband sleeps all the time.”

“My husband cares more about his medication than he does about me or our family.”

“My husband is in denial that his suboxone is addictive and causing negative side effects.”

“We can’t have sex because my husband is too tired and his medication causes low libido”

Yesterday we got in a fight because I have been asking him for two weeks every day to call a sprinkler repair company. Our front yard is flooded with water. Every day he works at home for a few hours and then he goes to bed. Yesterday he went to bed at about 11:00 AM. At 7 PM I asked him if he had called a sprinkler repair and he said “no.”

I then had this model.

T: I have to do everything.
F: angry
A: said “well when are you going to do it!” In a harsh tone
R: he went to the guest room and shut the door. I felt abandoned and like I have to do everything.
(I’m not sure if I’m getting that model right)

I’m having a hard time seeing this circumstance as neutral and feeling okay about it. We are planning to start our family in a few months and I am already worried that I will be bearing the load of the household and the child rearing because I think my husband is choosing his medication and poor health over taking steps to get better. I’ve been in scholars for over 6 months and I know the model and I know it’s my thoughts but I am stuck on this one.

Help!