Husband


I’m 2 months into SCS and I’m noticing more thoughts and feelings than ever. I would say I was pretty numb before.

Along this trajectory of clarity and more and more success, I’m also seeing an increase in confidence and feeling love and care with my three year old twins. More grace.

And

I’m also noticing my thoughts about my husband and his parenting style. He can be harsh and I can see my kids shutdown a little with even random, seemingly meaningless comments. My heart breaks watching them.

So there is a model of

C – husband says words
T – how could you say that don’t you see the impact?
F – my heart breaks
A – I get angry or disconnected or start to shut down
R – I withdraw.

I brought this up with him, and he says he will notice more his tone. This is somewhat reassuring but I’m also seeing the anger behind it that isn’t being addressed.

C – husband says words that are kinder
T – but I still see the anger and he is just holding back what he really wants to say and how he wants to say it.
F – fear or concern – for a bigger emotion that may be lurking
A – start wondering how I can solve this problem, myself and disconnection from him
R – lose the feeling of love with him.

But there is more.

My husband is a very loving man. I’m realizing this anger streak is something I didn’t see before. Or didn’t acknowledge. He doesn’t get angry a lot but it is like a side to him that does scare me because it is so different than the man I and so many people know. The reason I am now seeing it so clearly is the work I have done since joining SCS.

C. – I’m seeing an angry side to my husband I didn’t acknowledge before
T – it scares me – not from an abuse place but I’m now not sure what i’ll get or who he is. How do I respond? Should I protect myself? Do I have to mitigate with the kids?
F – most definitely confusion!!! (Hahah)
A – Buffer with numbing out distracting myself to be away from him
R – disconnection and sadness

As I finish this post which has become quite long, I’m also acknowledging his anger comes out even when he is talking about random things that he obviously passionate about. In these states, it is difficult to have a conversation with him because his emotion is so high. He recognizes he does this, then stops but it doesn’t change anything.

C – husband says words
T – “man he is angry/passionate and I am feeling a bit blown over”
F – a bit blown over, unhappy that I’m not connecting with him and having an enjoyable
conversation
A – shut down, spend less time with him not present when he is around.
R – love is lost no connection,, we spend less time together

I am on the cusp of a breakthrough – disconnection and numbness is definitely what I have done as a coping mechanism and I’m coming out of it in many other areas of my life. This is where i am at now.

Thanks for any clarity or direction you can provide.