Husband avoids money but wants to control it


My husband avoids the subject of money to the point that I’ve taken over the finances so that bills get paid. He had so much anxiety over spending money that he often won’t do it even if he needs to. Because of this we lost a boat we had in storage because he wasn’t paying the bill and they put a lien on it, seized it and sold it, it’s now in a brokerage being sold for $75K. I also found out that he hadn’t been paying our condo dues for a year and legal action was being taken. That was when I stepped in. I have the login for our joint account, have no idea exactly what’s in his savings account, but I know it’s more than enough to meet our living expenses. Meanwhile he’s very controlling and freaks out if I buy something, which I rarely do, but I mentioned in passing I needed a new iPhone because I was still using a 4s and it was dying and he said ok, then I ordered one and when it came in the mail he got really angry and said I wasn’t respecting our situation and being careless and could have used the old phone a little while longer. He knows I’m in scholars but doesn’t ask me how much it is and I don’t tell him. I also don’t tell him about any money I invest and we get along great until I buy something physical or need to. Then he asks me not to, and I don’t, but I get resentful. I feel like he pitched a $75K asset and almost lost us a rental condo, I had to step in and get the payments signed up with me so things are paid on time and there’s no more trouble there. I don’t tell him when I’ve paid the rent where we live because he stresses over the cash, I don’t tell him when I pay our property manager, because he freaks out. He freaks out every month when it’s time to pay tuition for the kids school and talks about how homeschooling doesn’t cost anything. The kicker is he makes the money, but I manage it and I have no idea how he’d get on without me as he completely ignores the finances except to freak out when he hears something needs to be paid. Property taxes are coming up and I’m dreading it since we pay those out of his account. I’m hiding the finances and not purchasing anything over a certain dollar amount for myself just to try to control his feelings. But that’s not making me happy at all. I know I’m kind of in victim mentality here, but I’m not sure how to shift it since he ultimately was the one that brought in most of the cash and I don’t feel I can override that without having to deal with a lot of drama and berating about my bad money choices, even if I totally don’t agree.