Husband does not want sex


Hi Brooke,

My husband and I have had sex once in the last two years. He says he’s interested but also says sex is scary because even when we’ve used birth control in the past, we’ve gotten pregnant. He says he’s maybe just biologically had “too much family” and that’s why he’s not actively trying to engage with me. Or he’s too tired. Usually one of those things.

I’ve been working on not taking it personally, and at this point we sleep in separate rooms and it’s kind of nice having some space and to be able to keep the AC at the temperature I want without him complaining and listen to music before I fall asleep so sometimes I’m ok with it, but when I get the urge to merge and “invite him for a sleepover” it frustrates me, I’ve seen several questions from women about how to get in the mood for sex with their husband, but I don’t think I can just take a screed shot and hand it to him and say, “here. Work on it.”

I’ve also heard you talk about “grab ass” and quite frankly at this point if the opportunity came up with mutual interest, I’d be all over that with little remorse. I also notice I sometimes make his lack of interest mean I’m not desirable and that results in more negative thoughts and feelings, I’m also trying to avoid thinking, “oh god, I’m trapped in a sexless marriage.” I know I’m not trapped, but I also don’t want to leave as for the most part our life is pretty ok. Like if I could just have a boyfriend on the side for the sex part, my marriage would be perfect. Of course I think I’m thinking my marriage would be even *more* perfect if my husband wanted to have sex with me and I wouldn’t need the side order of grab ass.

Thoughts I’ve tried I the model with the circumstance “husband does not want sex”

Husband does not want sex… and that’s ok.
I can always have an affair
This is not a reflection on my desirability as a woman
I’m still sexual and fun.
I don’t need a man to validate my sexuality.

The thoughts that keep coming back though are…
This sucks.
I’m not sexy anymore.
I’m trapped in a sexless marriage
I wish he still wanted me.
I must have done something wrong.

I’m also judging myself for wanting sex when it seems other women don’t care about it that much. Or that sex is taking up so much of my thoughts and my thoughts around not having it are making me so miserable.

Help a horny sister out?