Husband driving me crazy

I know my thinking is what is driving me crazy. I’ve been in scholars long enough to know that. But holy sh*t…. 🙂 (Yes I am laughing, ….sort of because this is really confronting).

Piece by piece (Or peace by peace), I’m getting to a place that I see that my complaints about him are my own thinking.

But sometimes I think that if I let him off the hook then I have to be resigned to how he behaves.

The issue at hand is multi-fold. I value work. I like to work. I like to grow. He would rather sit on the couch. Tinker on his car. He only works because he has to pay off a debt that he promised me he would pay off years ago and hadn’t yet. (And then I made a non-negotiable deadline). He comes from a previous marriage where she earned a lot of money, and they also way overspent and were always in debt.

I hate debt. My business is growing rapidly to a place where I will be earning what she (previous wife) did, plus more.

And it seems that the more I earn the more he sits on the couch. He is taking less care of himself, putting on weight, dressing poorly. He is becoming a bump on a log. His memory is going and it is happening more and more (he is 62), and there are times he just stands there clueless.

Wtf has happened?

So I have started to be more deliberate about my life and what I want. My own purpose, and working through one of the modules in the study vault. Thinking that maybe I am asking for want matches that he can’t provide.

What IS good about him is he is a good dad. The kids love him. He cares about them. He maintains the house, he grocery shops. He will pick up the chicken and meat from the local butcher that I like. He makes a great apple pie. He loves to garden.

I have good feelings when I type that, but I don’t let myself feel too good because of the other sh*t.

Yes, I know there is no upside for me feeling not good.

Here is a sample model.

C – husband Is gaining weight, wearing dirty clothes
T – why doesn’t he take care of himself
T – who the heck did I marry?
F – sad
F – aghast
A – curl up and cry.
A – confused?
R – feel out of love and disconnected we are two adults living in the house raising kids and that’s it

So as I play with this model I’m wanting this not to be about him, I want it to be about me and my life. And if he wants to dress and care for himself poorly then that is his prerogative. As for me, the model is about my living my life – not bracing against him or ignoring him, but living my life

C – husband Is gaining weight, wearing dirty clothes
T – He is going through some stuff obviously
T – I Can live my life with him working through his
F – Compassion
F – Clarity.
A – Let him be, let him be in his stuff, Be clear on my direction. Notice when I’m bracing against getting drawn into his model, give up my husband manual.
R – I feel better about myself and my commitments in my life

There is also an action of just feeling the feelings that arise. Maybe I am wrong here but I can feel sad and clear, I can have compassion and feel sad. I miss the guy I fell in love with.

Thanks for the feedback.