I borrowed a loan from a mutual friend to enroll in certification. I told my husband I was going to enroll in certification and seek out financial help in which he got angry and upset. I told him I was going to make the decision no matter what because I am investing in my business and feel it is a smart decision, and though he did not need to agree with me I would appreciate his support. We have a brick and mortar that we may have to close because of the economy and quarantine, and I want to make a pivot to be able to grow my coaching business and help to support our family.
He was very upset and told me I was throwing a tantrum and being a brat, which was not my experience, and he left the house. He then texted me how much he supports me and may not agree but will let me have my experience.
I secured a loan and the next day I told him I had made it official and who gave me the money, and he got even more upset. He says I betrayed him and went behind his back because of the person I asked that gave me the money.
At the same time he says I can make my own decisions — and he will make his. His reaction is hurtful…He doesn’t want anything to do with me and has made comments about how he is taking a couple of weeks to decide how he wants to move forward because I have emasculated him.
I intellectually understand that I did not do those things and my actions were fueled by my own thoughts, and his response is fueled by his thoughts.
I tell him I love him, I would never do anything to betray him and I am sorry that what I did triggered all of this for him. In my experience I am doing something positive. I am finding it hard to let my husband think I am some kind of perpetrator and I end up internalizing it because I want to make this right. What I really want to say is that I didnt do anything wrong and his reaction is a projection but I know that won’t go over very well……I am responsible for my not telling him who I was getting a loan from. I could have told him. I chose not to. I apologize for that.
I guess my struggle is that I want him to see I didn’t take action to cause him to have these thoughts about me. I know I can’t control his thoughts but I don’t want my marriage to fall apart.
C: Husband says I betrayed him
T: I need to defend myself
A: saying i’m sorry
R: husband continuing to tell me I did wrong
Am I doing this right?