How do you think you would get to feel if your husband changed his ways?
I think I would feel more peace if he stopped complaining . I would feel like I can focus better in other areas in my life and also feel more love for him , I would also feel happier if he is happier
How would you show up differently if he behaved in the ways that you wanted him to?
I would engage more, be intimate with him , not avoid him , spend time with him , not hide in my room
Here is the secret: you don’t have to wait to feel that way and to show up that way.
-Yes, I realize that I have feelings of peace , happiness and love available to me right now and it will drive me to be intimate with him , spend time with him and be around him as the best version of wife I want to be
I can spend time with him and be intimate with him RIGHT NOW
You have a manual for how you think your husband should behave and within that manual is a chapter about how he should react to a job loss.
-yes I do have a THICK manual for my husband . I am working on flipping my manual .Lot of work but I am committed
You want him to feel better so that you can feel better and not have to deal with the current circumstances.
–yes!!! I am always wishing and hoping for a different C so I don’t have to manage my mind so much around this . Part of me would like to stop doing thought work around this. I am very proud that I don’t add fire to the situation( old me would have had verbal fights every day ) and have enough awareness to catch my negative thoughts and don’t say it out loud . But It does create negative emotions that drive actions like withdrawing , not engaging and avoiding him
Everything that your husband says or does comes from a feeling that he is experiencing. His models are unique to him and feel just as true to him as yours feel to you.
–Thank you for that . This is Very profound. His feeling Is JUST As TRUE as my feelings are
Notice that, at times, the very things we think people should or shouldn’t do, we find ourselves doing in some way. When your husband complains, you complain about his complaining.
–I did my model and was able to see that. This is another model I completed
C: Husband since April
T : I can’t love him when he is like this
A: don’t engage with him, avoid intimacy,withdraw from him, no eye contact,deliberately spend time away from him, avoid triggering conversations
R: I don’t love him when he is suffering.
Spend some time looking for evidence of how this might be perfect for the both of you to be experiencing right now, complaining and all.
–He is home all the time so child care is covered in case someone gets sick.
He is not exposed to COVID ( previously he was exposed to covid patients daily)
We are spending time together as a family , going to church together and doing fun things on the weekend which was previously impossible due to his job.
I am learning to love him in difficult situations. This will make our marriage stronger. This is perfect for him , because now he is really expanding his horizons doing non clinical work /administrative work. This will be excellent experience when he finds a new job in the future
If I can grow as a person through this experience, I will be able to handle tougher situations in the future
Dear coaches,Please help me keep working through this .Thank you!