Husband Lies

It isn’t new that my husband lies.
What is new is that I am seeing it as a circumstance with less thought pattern of “why is he lying to me?, why am I so bad that he can’t tell me the truth?”, “If he lies he doesn’t love me” – there is much less of those statements.

What remains is I still find it weird that he lies and what he lies about. And I also understand that it is his model. And I’am getting more freedom and almost some authentic humour about it particularly because he is in so much awe that our 3 year old daughter is starting to lie.

One of the lies in the past was drinking. He snuck drinks. Not that it was bad, not initially anyway. I just found it weird he would sneak rather than not drink in the open. But that is what he would do. Then I started to find bottles. He would lie about it, and even though my gut told me something wasn’t right, I didn’t have the evidence to counter the lie. I was the enabler…, I ignored my gut feelings and believed his reason. ,

Then one day it was clear and I had physical evidence (I had cleaned up the office and then 2 hours later found a bottle which hadn’t been there before), and no matter what he said I could see it for what it was. He finally came clean and went to treatment.

It was devastating for me. He was the love of my life, and for 2 years I rebuilt and reconnected to my inner knowings.

I now trust my gut feeling to know when he and my daughter are lying. If I follow the model there is likely a thought I’m thinking that is generating that gut feeling – even if I am labelling that gut feel intuition. I’m suspecting that discovering that thought would be helpful and would make me more perceptive.

I can almost hear a coaching question of why do this? Why does it matter that he lies? I’ve thought about that as I deconstruct the manual I have for him.

Everything from paying off some accumulated debt that from his divorce years ago that he hadn’t paid off and said he would by Dec this year, to relatively smaller things like talking about an email our trainer sent his whole database about reopening and how he doesn’t have the leeway for late cancellations – my husband said that the email read that too many people are late cancelling and the trainer sent out an email that was very livid. (None that is true).

With the money, I can make requests and I have asked for regular statements of payment so that last piece of debt is done. Being debt free is importan to me, and we’ll have both the house paid off and his debt cleared around the same time (dec 2020).

With the email I just find it weird that so much drama comes up….So with the email I read it and said that that one I received just said to not late cancel. It was a very friendly email about reopening. I mentioned that he must have received a different email. And left it at that.

I still find it so strange. Why do that?

As I practice that he has his models and the lying isn’t about me, I’m getting internally stronger, way less of an enabler and much less a control freak (which was the first step in my own recovery).

I’m living a clearer life.

But. The connection we had once we don’t have. If I get that gut feel that he is lying I cut off. I walk away, or I call it out like the email above. I feel I need to do that because I have to keep growing the consistency of honouring my gut feel as a barometer.

Like I am becoming an adult. Haha

But I would like to have a better relationship and I think (and feel) that it is possible.
With my being more clued in and deciding if a lie that is being told is necessary to call out or not.

So my models

C. – husband makes shit up
T – something doesn’t line up.
F – gut feel
A – call him out
R – the story stops.

C – husband makes shit up
T- he is pretty creative
F – gut feel along with awe at the creativity
A – more hunour, more spectrum for me to choose how I respond
R – lighter hold on it and more acceptance

I think there is also a model where my C line is
How I respond.

C – call him out when he makes shit up because my guts are telling me he is lying
T- got to protect myself and remind him that I know that he is lying
F – a bit on edge
A – always a little in fight or flight, can’t really relax around him.
R – not connected

There are gold parts to my husband. His creativity is also gold story telling and joke telling. I would love to be able to love him fully which starts with me

C – call him out when he makes shit up because my guts are telling me he is lying
T – this is fun
F – tuned into my inner system of awareness which is also a feeling of Love
A – lighter in my feel and respondes. Quicker with my wit. The banter is fun
R – the relationship elevates

Thank you for reading and your feedback.