I’ve been having a long distance affair with a boyfriend I had in high school. I love the guy. He is sweet. He compliments me everyday. (I feel sexy, desired, a beautiful hot woman). What he tells me makes me think I’m a wonderful woman and feel confident in many areas (intelligence, looks, body, weight, house administration, being a mom). He listens to me. He is interested in all the things I do– how I cook, how I meditate, the Model and all the concepts I tell him about thoughts and what I have been studying as a Scholar. We have long talks about many topics. He even told me he is applying thinking different thoughts about a circumstance in his life.

Because all the above I am tempted to leave my marriage. I feel guilty. I tell myself I shouldn’t desire that other life and that I’m not grateful with what I do have. I don’t allow myself to feel fully the love I feel for him. I think if he learns the Model we will have a more harmonious life together, not without trouble of course, but at least willing to listen to each other, willing to do the work individually.

I love my husband and I’m grateful I don’t have to work. I have a very comfortable life with him. I don’t miss anything material. I just think we lack connection and we don’t talk openly to each other. He cheated some years ago. That was very hard for me to accept and created a wall between us. I didn’t show him love because I thought he didn’t deserve it and for many years I have been thinking he is a difficult guy, he has strong thoughts about everything and very rarely he gets my side, he expresses himself as he knows everything.
I have been setting boundaries and accepting and loving him as he is, but I want to know my friend more deeply and see if we can have a life together. I want to fly to see my friend. I wish I could talk to my husband about this desire, but, because we’ve been conditioned to believe in monogamy, I’m afraid he will feel angry at me.

C husband cheated and behaves poorly when angry or frustrated
T I love him and accept him
F comprehension
A set boundaries, feel my feelings of anger, sadness, unworthiness, explore where those feelings come from, validate the feelings, talk to inner child, meditate.
R I get to keep my power

C Husband doesn’t work on his emotions
T I get to do the work for both of us
F Frustrated
A ruminate why only me, not trying to connect with him, why bother, not communicating my expectation
R I expect things from the outside / I don’t get to do my own work / I don’t accept is part of being an emotional adult ????

C Husband being how he is for years
T I have an opportunity to start fresh with the other guy
F Anxiety
A ruminate, not accepting reality, see only good stuff there and bad stuff here
R I create myself suffering

C Guy listens to me and shows interest for my interests
T I love him
F In love
A tell him how I feel about him, talk to him everyday, send him songs, pictures, open to understand/comprehend/accept his behaviors, open to listen to him, help him with the model in his own life, when expecting from him do the work of releasing the expectation, when angry, frustrated or sad about something he did or said, express how I feel and what am I making it mean and saying what I expect and do my own work.
R I get to work on myself, learn from the relationship and grow.

I’m sorry this is so long. I know I don’t have to decide right away if to stay with one or the other, but in the mean time I feel anxious, desperate, guilty many times. I don’t get to enjoy fully both or decide something. A friend told me you can decide to enjoy both, but I can’t, I stay true to my friend and not to my husband and feel guilt and disconnected from him.

Please help.