Husband says "words" and I said/did…


In one of my privates, it was revealed that sometimes I can “neutralize” circumstances too quickly. That model in particular was in reference to a person I don’t know well or interact with much. It was helpful to peel back that layer of awareness.

“Neutralizing quickly” has become useful when it comes to interactions with my husband. I chose to not spend a ton of time doing models because his word/behavior is a pattern. The model tends to look basically the same.

With that being said, I don’t want to take “examination” of our interactions completely off the table, I am open to peeling back additional layers when it comes to him.

I am interested in feedback.

Back Story:
1) My husband and I have had many discussions/teasing sessions about my “Sewing, especially tiny buttons” (like for 22 years, basically he does it and does well)
I have been clear about my position.
“I do not like to sew, especially buttons. I am not very good at it, especially buttons. It is not how I want to spend my time, especially when it is free with the dry cleaning service we use”
2) My husband suffers from terrible anxiety, especially at night. Lots of “thoughts”. Most of his anxiety he contributes to me. He doesn’t sleep well and used to keep me up all night with harassment.
I came to an understanding even before SCS that it was all about him and not me. However, I was a suffering bystander.
I tried do/say loving things the best I could, but always (yes, always… when he is in that head space) ended up with a variation of “fuck you, you don’t really care!”
I finally set a boundary with him. I think in a loving way. Basically this…
“I love you. I hate that this is your experience. I wish I could help you. If there is something in the moment I can say or do to help it pass, please let me know. I need my sleep. It is not helpful, mentally or physically, for me to not sleep. When you act like that way, I will either go to a different room or leave”
He still has many sleepless nights, but he rarely bothers me anymore.
I think the anxiety comes from feeling unloved because he cant himself and lots of regrets. I try not to coach him! Sometimes I plant a thought by using me as an example. I am not attached to whether he picks it up or not.

approx 6 months ago
He starts hanging shirts that are missing buttons on back of closet door.
I offered to send to dry cleaners. He says he is going to sew them on.
He says” words” about how busy he is and how NOT busy I am.
I offer to take them somewhere again.
He says he will do it. He doesn’t want to pay for it. He thinks the dry cleaner charges for it now that it is under new ownership.
I said I would be happy to check on it. He says don’t bother.

Recently:
I stopped by the DC about a pair of shoes that my daughter needs a new heel for. I asked about the button policy. They do sew them on for free and the lady was horrified that they came back with out buttons. She seemed very distressed about the unfortunate incident. “Bring them in, please” she says.

Monday morning:
I told my husband about the button policy. He was excited to hear the news.
We examined like 8 shirts from the back of the closet door together to make sure there were not any other issues with them.
I took the one to take to the DC downstairs and hung on a strong 3M hook.
I planned to drop them off on Tuesday when I scheduled other errands to do on my calendar.
The hook was apparently not strong enough. They we on the floor when he came into the kitchen this morning.
He was frustrated and mad that they were on the floor and wrinkled. I validated his frustration, said I shouldn’t have put them there and I will take care of it.
He said more words that I did not pay any attention to at the time as I did the dishes. “Carlos is being Carlos” “So, what” “Frustration is understandable” “He probably had a bad night” “He is in one of those head spaces” …are my thoughts.

What was I making it about me? Nothing really
(or not yet, maybe?)

Then he said, with a mean look, with a loud voice, in front of our 17 year old son…. “You can’t even so on a button!”

Okay, I had some thoughts… “We talked about this, we decided the course of action, this is your issue, not mine. I choose to not be around this behavior any longer today”

My words were “I think you should go to the gym with out me” (He said nothing. That was all said from me. I eventually went to the gym alone and he left for work). I did feel frustration… I thought “this is how it is… living with him, it will pass, it always does.

BasicIy, feel okay with it. “Get on with my day and chose joy” I see it as another boundary set. I chose to not subject myself to more of the same in the car.
My thoughts, currently, are…
1) I spent a long time writing this, but I want feed back. I want to do the work, peel the layers back (and I like those reasons) I don’t have another private until next week.
2) I could have said “good bye, have a good day and kiss” to him before I left. However, I still made his lunch to take to work. Part of me says that was enough expression… other part says… I would have if I was really acting from a clean place. I think I still had some feeling of frustration.

Any thoughts? Or questions, I can apply to the husband situation?

Thank you!!! Have a great day!!!