I’m feeling awful.
And I know it is my thinking.

50-50 right.

Ugh.

So. I.need. some. Help.

Husband wrote words to one of his friends “She (meaning me) is obsessed with a Coach named Brooke Castillo. And she is obsessed with making money.”

I didn’t smile or laugh or say “Yep he is right.”
I thought – “WTF – why is he saying that?”
And I felt deflated because he has also said to my face how proud he is of me, of the growth I have had, and how fast that growth is.
I also thought why would he say something so different than what he said to my face.
It made me wonder how much of my self worth I put on him.

So I decided to play with … maybe yes- I am obsessed with Brooke. And maybe yes I am obsessed with money.

As I sat with it, I realized that it wasn’t entirely true. I am in coach certification and have peer coaching or diamond coaching every weekday. People don’t say that someone is obsessed with university when they go to class every day. ….

So I’m not obsessed with Brooke, I am learning and growing. I am very much inspired by what she has accomplished. I love hearing stories of other women doing awesome things.

I do love money and I do love how I have grown my business and what I accomplished this year. I really rocked it, AND I hired people too.

I can own all of that. And I feel really good about it.

And ….

Whatever he thinks about me and my learning and what he says to another … THAT is his model.

Because he can think whatever he wants to think.

(Okay, I’m getting there).

But I’m still a bit weirded out by him saying words he said which in the context he said them in was not positive.

So. …. maybe that is his 50-50. On one hand, he says he sees my growth, and he says it is amazing, and on the other hand, he says I am obsessed.

I can handle that. That is his model.

And if that is the case (and I am only speculating because that is his brain), then I think I am actually realizing that I have a particular manual for how I want him to behave.

Ouch!

So here is where I need the coaching.

I seem to LOVE growth and I LOVE mastery more than my husband loved those values.
I seem to like to push the envelope more than him.

And recently I made the decision that I wasn’t going to let anyone hold me back. That I was going to go for my goals. Even if they made the other person uncomfortable.

I am being super deliberate and great with my time.

Also, I’ve had people tell me in the past I was obsessed – when I was clearly at the top of my game as an elite athlete. I simply turned and walked away… and continued to win championships.

But this is my husband.
I don’t want to compartmentalize. I want to flourish. Whether he thinks I’m obsessed or not shouldn’t matter.

This is a big piece of growth that I’m ready to dig into. Thanks for your feedback.