I recently heard Brooke say, “You can’t solve an F with a C.” That was an eye-opener for me.
I’ve been married for 32 years. Brooke’s statement helped me to see that my husband believes that changing his C WILL solve for whatever F he would like to not feel. So, what happens is that he changes a C, and he’s excited for awhile (“happy”), and then he’s like, “now what?” and he’s on a quest for the next C to change.
Our current situation is that we can’t agree on where to live. He wants 2 acres in the country where it’s quiet; I want to be near the beach. We’ve talked about ways that we can each get what we want, and I am moving full steam ahead with pursuing my beach house dream (it’s my “impossible goal”). He sits in his recliner and watches woodworking videos and looks at real estate listings that are sold as soon as they hit the market. He tells himself reasons why his goal won’t work anyway. I do not observe him taking actions to make HIS goal a reality. I also know that once he DOES set his mind to something, he will achieve it. I’ve seen him do it many times. I’ve told him this, too.
My thoughts are:
He wants ME to do all the legwork so he gets what he wants (deal with banks and realtors).
He is jealous of the progress I am making toward my goal.
He still won’t “be happy” if he lives on 2 acres where it’s quiet.
If he truly wants it, he will take action on it.
He is afraid of it not turning out how he wants/expects (not “making him happy” after all).
It is not my job to make HIS dreams come true; so why do I still feel like it is?
I know I have a manual for how he “should” be acting: He should be taking active steps toward his goal; he should be excited for me and interested in the things I am doing and learning. He should not be so negative.
I know I have to focus on my own thoughts and feelings. I want to be excited and positive and share all my news with him. I would be glad to HELP him achieve his goal…but I am choosing not to do it FOR him. I can’t anyway. Only he knows the kind of location that would suit his goals.
I’m not sure if I have a question. Any insights that might help me deal with this kind of person? After 32 years, I’m just tired.