Hi Brooke,
I need some guidance on how to support my husband through coping with his binge drinking. My husband has drank alcohol in social situations since his late teens and this was something that was normal and acceptable within his family. There have been many minor and major incidents over the 13 years we’ve been together and often he blacks out and doesn’t remember things he did or things he’s said to me. This is often way worse when he’s drinking hard liquor and recently he has realized his weakness with hard alcohol and has committed to drink only light beer, but he can easily drink 10 or more beers in 1 night.
We recently went to a wedding where we were both drinking and told me it was time for us to call a cab to go home. He was waiting for me in the entrance of the building and out of nowhere punched an antique glass window. The next day he couldn’t remember what happened and was insistent that he was just knocking on the glass because his friend was walking by and the glass just shattered. The manager of the building sent us the bill for the window which ended up being $1200 (which is for sure not a small sum of money for us) and he sent the security video footage showing my husband undeniably punching the glass window intentionally.
My husband was so ashamed and shocked after actually seeing himself on the video. He has decided he needs to stop drinking completely (“at least for a while”) and get this under control. I’m very happy that he wants to make this change, but also skeptical because he’s said similar things before and is usually good for a while and then slips back into old habits. I have suggested he consider getting some extra help by trying additions counselling and offered to go with him if he wanted. I also suggested your overdrinking program as an option to him. So far he wants to try to do this on his own and I know I can’t control him into doing what I think is best for him (even though I so want to!). Here’s a model I did on this situation. Any suggestions you have on how I should proceed would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Unintentional Model:
C- My husband said he realizes he needs to get his drinking under control.
T- I’ve heard him say this before and nothing ever changes.
F- Doubtful, Untrusting
A- Suggest outside resources for help (addictions counseling, SCS overdrinking program) and feel annoyed if he doesn’t take my advice. Standoffish and distant with him. Withhold physical affection. Bring up past attempts he’s made to quit or cut down on alcohol. Continue to bring up the recent situation that happened.
R- Our relationship feels more distant. He doesn’t have the support he needs to make these changes. He likely goes back to old patterns.

Intentional Model:
C- My husband said he realizes he needs to get his drinking under control.
T- I love my husband and will support him no matter what.
F- Loving, Supportive
A- Gently suggest outside resources for help (addictions counseling, SCS overdrinking program) if he is interested. Be there to listen. Support him in what he needs (ex: cancel social events for now, not drink alcohol in front of him)
R- Maintain and strengthen lines of communication between us. Be open to letting him figure out what is best for him since he is the only one who can make this change. Love him unconditionally.