I hate my husband’s hair and facial hair. He’s grown it long and he does different things with his facial hair that I think look ridiculous. I feel like he keeps it long and ridiculous because he likes the attention/comments he gets, and that’s more important to him than how I feel about it. Can “I hate my husband’s hair” be a C? When I try to imagine any thought other than hating it, I can’t get there. I’ve always been someone who doesn’t know what they like/want, but I’ve done a lot of work to find myself. Now it seems like my only option is to not like what I like, if that makes sense? I know these are all thoughts, but I’m struggling to change them.
Here’s why I think my model is:
C- I hate my husband’s hair
T- He doesn’t care about what I want/me
A- Avoid looking at him, avoid him, avoid intimacy, eat to avoid my feelings, wish he’d change, blame myself (if I kept the house cleaner, then he’d love me enough to cut it), feel guilty (I should appreciate how great he is), tell him I hate it.
R- Disconnect from him more
I’m really trying to get over it and accept it, but I can’t seem to. I’ve never thought about not being with him, but it’s crossed my mind. It’s not even the hair itself, but that I’m making it mean he doesn’t care about me. It’s so unattractive to me and when I’m intimate with him, I do it out of obligation and that leaves me feeling less than great too. I’m to a point that I don’t know if him cutting even solves anything. This has been an on-going struggle for years, but he used to cut it once in a while. The last few years, he’s just let it go. I know how stupid it sounds, but I feel like it might be marriage-ending. It’s literally the only problem in our marriage, and the fact that it could have been fixed so easily but has gone on this long is beyond frustrating. I’m not controlling. He does whatever he wants, and I don’t care in any other area, so the fact he doesn’t honor this request when it’s within his power to do so, kills me.
How can I accept his hair and honor myself at the same time?