I am just not interested anymore.

I’m heading into 6 moths of my Scholars journey, it has been wonderful, terrible, peaceful, crazy, ALL THE THINGS, but above all else profoundly eye-opening.  I have learned to question all of the stories I have been telling myself for decades that do not serve me, and how to choose thoughts that create the feelings that always “felt” so out of reach. Really cool stuff, I am wonderfully blown away by it all.

I have felt the biggest struggle in family relationships, I spend more time managing thoughts around those circumstances than anything else in my life. I still am not quite sure how to deal with being manipulated by family members except to not react to them at all; this has resulted in being thrown out of my brother’s family, and the silent treatment from others when I stopped jumping every time they told me to.  I keep reminding myself that their feelings are not my responsibility, but I have to admit to occasional feelings of victimhood in regards to their hostility over my inaction.

I’ve gotten to the point where I am choosing ambivalence, I really can’t find a reason to care about fostering these relationships anymore; I have so many other people and things that I want to put my mental and emotional energy into that serve me. I want to just love them in my head, but be ok with letting go of the need or want to have them as a regular presence in my physical life.

I can tell by the way I wrote that sentence that I am making ambivalence a negative last resort, as if it were a bad thing. I have thoughts like “It’s not ok to give up on your family”, or “So and so puts up with way worse crap than you, you are taking the easy way out.”  Then the other voice in my head says “Maybe you’re the smart one…. maybe you are the one who really has courage…”

If this were an acquaintance, friend, or co-worker I would not be waffling like this. I am seriously hung up over the notion of loyalty to family, and that means putting up with whatever they throw at you.  I am making this about me, that I am somehow deficient because I can’t make it better, but I know these are just thoughts, right?

I have thought downloaded and modeled to death, but it comes down to a lack on confidence in any solid decision on the right thoughts for me about this.  Is it ok to try thoughts on like a pair of new shoes?  Walk around in them to see if they fit correctly, and if not put them back and try another? Do you have any suggestions on how I can help myself move forward on this? I know that indecision can be a protective measure, I have no doubt that’s what is happening here.

Thanks for all you do! XOXO