"I can’t do this!"

When it comes to taking care of my kids by myself (being alone with them and caring for them), I notice I often think: “I can’t do this.” I noticed it again this morning before getting out of bed.

C: Husband comes in and says, “We switched schedules this morning. it is your morning to be with the kids”
T: I can’t do this.
F: Overwhelmed
A: Physically curl up in fetal position. Feel the sensation of getting punched in the gut and I recoil. I feel the urge to cry. Start thinking of ways to get out of having to take care of the kids first today. I ask if he will take care of the kids till I can get ready for the day (which he does). I pray for help.
R: ?? I don’t take care of them? I am trying to avoid it.

I did notice that after I was ready for the day, I felt more like I could take care of the kids. But I still felt the underlying feeling of overwhelm and wanting to avoid my kids. I start thinking of the projects I need to do or other stuff I need to get done.

I notice have a pretty negative story about my kids. They get a new specific story when I am taking care of them and things “go south”. “South” meaning they start to fall apart emotionally. This story starts to play in my head:

“They are ungrateful, demanding, and inconsiderate. I am doing all of these things for them and they don’t even notice. I can’t even go to the bathroom or eat when I am taking care of them. They are always hurting each other. I never get a break. They don’t listen. They expect me to entertain them. I are always crying. I have to fix everything. There is not one activity that I can do with all of them because they are all at different developmental ages. This is crazy and hard. I am bad at this. Every time I try to be intentional and a good mom it blows up in my face. I am not strong enough to stand up to the constant debate. They won’t stop touching me. I can’t wear anything nice cause they get their body fluids all over me. Feeding them is a pain because they don’t eat what I make. They complain about all the food I make them. I am not enough and never doing enough for them. I am failing in all the areas they need me the most. I just can’t do it. I don’t have the mental and emotional stamina. I feel like they chew me up, spit me out, then need me to fix everything. I just can’t do it anymore. Yet, I will because they are my kids.”

I need to be okay with being in this space. I feel the urge to hurry away from it and be the kind of mom that can handle it all with flying colors.