I cheat on my boyfriend

I have a boyfriend that I’ve been with for 2 1/2 years. I have to admit I’ve cheated on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. It usually happens when we’re fighting, or not particularly getting along. But that’s not even it, because I even sleep with one particular man regularly (for about 5 years) for money, even when we’re “doing good”. No one knows this, and I don’t think I’ve even every typed it out or admitted it to myself. The worst part is, that I don’t really feel bad about it – as in feel like I’m doing something “wrong”. The part I do feel bad about is the thought of hurting him, yet I do it anyway. In the moment, his feelings are not even a consideration. I thought about breaking up with him because I kept feeling attracted to other men, but my friends told me I’m crazy because he’s such a catch, and that I’ll always be attracted to other men. Not to mention, I have had this same exact pattern with every guy I’ve been with, and end up repeating the same actions, so I know that the problem is ME and not finding a new boyfriend (or “circumstance”).

I’ll get to the point where I won’t cheat, I won’t respond to…the “sugar daddy” guy… and I’ll be doing models on how I feel about him, and I can tell because our relationship is amazing. We laugh, we get along, our sex life is great…but then it seems like I always just break. He saw recent messages to someone on our recent vacation, and initially I just had a “whatever” attitude about it. I ended up crying a couple days later and becoming really sad, begging him to stay, mainly because I don’t want to be alone. He decided to stay with me, and we have been doing so great!

Then, almost out of nowhere, I was closing with my manager (who is very attractive) and we ended up having wine, getting drunk, and sleeping together. I didn’t really even WANT to, I just did it. I want to get to a place where I don’t desire another man. I want to only desire him. I want to be with only him. I want to WANT to be with only him. What kind of coaching do I need to do? Is this feelings about my self-worth? Feelings about him? Feelings about men? Am I addicted to the dopamine hit I get from other men? Where do I go from here? Do I need to work on urges?

Some example models:

C – A man is flirting with me.
T – He thinks I’m attractive.
F – Powerful.
A – Flirt with him back and pretend to be single.
R – Live a lie.

C – A man is flirting with me.
T – My boyfriend loves me.
F – Loved.
A – Be polite.
R – Faithful

C – My boyfriend.
T – He is amazing
F – Lucky
A – Cherish him
R – Feel happy in relationship