I have been in a not-great marriage for a while, without sex for about 5 years. Though I was often hoping we would have sex, I wasn’t super upset about it and thought I just have a low sex drive naturally so I was glad to not be nagged about it or pressured, and super busy with two young children and a job and house and friends and life. I was with my husband for about 15 years and didn’t remember or didn’t have the texting-dating-anxiety of wanting the guy to write, can’t wait for him to write, wishing he would write, wondering if I should write, wondering what to write… I heard about this, but didn’t think I had it. I think there wasn’t much if any texting when I was last dating, so I might have been right. Since my husband and I separated about a year ago, I have only gone on one date which was entirely uneventful until this past week an ex-boyfriend came back into the picture. I saw him on Saturday, was super attracted to him, and now I feel as if I am literally craving him. Like I want him to text, come over, be physically close to me – intensely. I want this very badly and it’s interfering with my ability to focus on anything else. I have not experienced this in the past 15+ years and I think I’m going out of my mind – it’s like this urge is controlling my mind.
C: Ex-boyfriend and I were close this past weekend
T: I want him to come to my house now. (I want to kiss him… I want… I want… I want…).
A: think about how much I want him to come and how can I have that happen, do not work on building my business or cleaning my house, listen to videos on what women need to know about men, etc.
R: I am not with myself? I am allowing him/my thoughts about him to control me?
I also have the thought:
T: Something is wrong with me (I think this is because this sensation is so unfamiliar to me).
R: think about how this could ruin my life, think about how I will never get anything done if I keep focusing on him/a man this way, think about how I just want to be with him all of the time and do nothing else, think about how crazy that is, do models, write this, try to distract myself with something but entirely preoccupied with thoughts of this guy. Do not accomplish everything on my list/schedule.
I’m not sure what to do with my thoughts.
I did some coaching on this and these thoughts were suggested:
Maybe I’m normal.
Maybe this is just a feeling.
Maybe nothing has gone wrong.
Maybe I can just enjoy this (because it feels like torture).
I can kind of utilize these thoughts, but mostly the feeling is too strong. I’m wondering what alternative thoughts I could have, or if there is anything else I can do.
I’m used to being in control and this feels entirely out of control.