I don’t belong

Yesterday I attended a small party of co-workers within my department. I haven’t been all that connected with them outside of work meetings throughout the year. Definitely haven’t been social with them outside of work. For the most part I’m proud of how I showed up yesterday: energized, engaged, lively, confident, sharing my viewpoints. I was very social. I also noticed lots of UMs flying around. Here are a few of them.

C: Department gathering at L’s home yesterday
T – I don’t belong here.
F – Excluded
A-Spin in my head looking for reasons why I’m not like them, different, and they’re not my people, Think it takes too much work to try and be included with these people, Withdraw from conversations, Don’t reach out to spend time with or find out about them outside of work
R – I provide evidence for why I don’t belong.

C – Department gathering at L’s home yesterday
T – I want them to see me, really see me.
F – Desperate
A – Inauthentically bring up things about myself, Turn the conversation back towards me as often as I can, Interrupt, Bring up coaching biz and mindset as often as I can
R – I lose connection with seeing myself deeply & letting that be enough.

C – Department social gathering
T – All that matters is that I see, love, and accept myself.
F – Satisfied
A – Talk less and listen more, Let people ask me how I’m doing, Have a calmer demeanor, Display a more grounded carefree energized version of me, Know that the party is all within me
R – I have lots of fun inside the experience of knowing who I am and loving her.