I don’t want to accept that this is my life

I am getting divorced.
I loved my husband, trusted him, respected and admired him. He cheated and lied, and has been very adversarial in the divorce.
Now I feel as if I’m supposed to forgive him and move on and be friends. I don’t feel comfortable being friendly or trusting – doesn’t feel safe or appropriate.
I feel like a bad person for not forgiving him and being friendly and think it will harm me, my children and relationships going forward.
I don’t want to accept that he is the person who is doing what he is doing and that we will never have a good relationship and will always be adversarial – even though I’m not willing to change to make a good relationship with him.
I’m sad and miss the old person I knew and loved.
This one makes me afraid, sad, angry, scared.
I feel totally stuck – keep turning this over and over and being stuck.