I Don’t Want To Move On

I just want my ex back. Yet I don’t feel like that thought is even true. I feel so much grief thinking of him. It’s so real. I didn’t want him when he was in my life. Now he’s all I think about. Mainly when I’m in Texas (he’s in Oklahoma).

I go back and forth living in Colorado and Texas. When I’m down in Texas, things really slow down, and I’m not as busy. My mind goes to him, knowing he’s only 3 hours away.

He is in a relationship and has made it clear he does not want to be with me.

I’m so mad about it. Mad at myself for not wanting him when he was here. Mad at myself for even caring still. Mad at myself for wanting him. Mad that he doesn’t want me. Mad that I’ve answered his calls and tried with him. I was mad at myself for overlooking his behavior the past few months and mad at myself for not taking responsibility for this situation and moving on.

I hate myself, and I’m so tired of myself. I’m feeling very self-loathing because I’m tired of my shit and for me messing up my life. Like why do I have to make it so hard all the time?

He doesn’t want me. When he did, I fucked it up.

I have this thought so often. I fucked everything up. And it makes me so mad at myself.

C: I broke up with my ex
T: I fuck everything up
F: Resentful
A: Judge myself. Think of all the things I did wrong. Complain. Sulk. Disconnect.
R: I find proof and treat myself like I fuck everything up.