I don’t want to try

I’ve been in sales nearly two years. I was hesitant at first about it, but the promise of the big commission checks made me want to try.

I promised myself and my husband that I would do it for at least a year before quitting.

Now at almost two years, I want to quit.

Where I’m struggling is that I’ve wanted to quit many times along the way, but I talk myself out of it. I keep trying to convince myself to like it when I don’t. I also know sometimes my brain throws a fit and spends an entire weekend researching a new career path just to avoid the pain of experiencing the emotions of the current job.

I have some different thoughts I’m struggling with…

-I should stick it out until I have another job
-I should stick it out and prove to myself that I can do this
-I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to leave.
-The more time I spend here, the less time I have to become really good at something else

I think I’m trying to avoid shame in my resistance to all the thoughts. I’ve created a thought environment where if I stay in the job, I’ll feel shame and powerlessness (for not being brave enough to leave, for not pursuing something else, for not having my own back in creating a life I like), and if I leave the job (I failed, I should have tried harder, I disappointed my husband, I’m not being financially smart).

I also feel shame over the powerlessness, and use the powerlessness to protect myself from this being fully my fault and thus feeling guilt and shame.