I Enjoy Being Me — But Only When I’m Alone

Years ago I had a therapist who said that I hate myself (I didn’t continue therapy with her).  I said no, I don’t hate myself at all, I hate being me.  I hate who I am in the world, how the world treats me, perceives me, responds to me, and interprets me.  But what I think about me is that I am a pretty good and interesting person.  I’m really happy when I’m alone — at home, traveling, sitting by myself somewhere.  “You think people hate you because you hate yourself” was her interpretation to that.

I have come a long way since seeing that therapist but I still run up against this issue sometimes. One of the coaches during a class said, “If you don’t have blue hair, you wouldn’t be upset if someone said you had blue hair. So if you get upset at someone’s judgement, it’s because you agree with them.”

I think there is more to it than that.  Are blue-haired people expected to behave a certain way and punished if they don’t?  Are they assumed to be insane and about to be locked away? Are they not allowed to say no to sexual advances Does this person think blue haired people don’t deserve to work with non-blue haired people?  I could have jet black hair, but if I knew that blue-haired people were in danger of rejection or scapegoating, I’d be pretty upset if someone said I had blue hair.  It doesn’t mean I agree and that’s why I’m upset.

I guess what I’ve uncovered here is that other people’s judgements create intense fear of rejection and violence, and that is what I hate. But I don’t hate me.