I’m feeling the feels, as Brooke says. Feeling very sad because of what I think about my guy/date’s attitude today. Yes, we had a great time last night; yet today, I’m ready to let him go… And/or let go of my expectations about him!
I believe what triggered me (my disappointment & hurt) is the new deal breaker I have: I want to be included in the guy’s activities. Am I asking too much too soon? Maybe, and so did he. He invited me to join him on a trip to see his kids – which I truly appreciate – although I don’t have the money to pay right now…
He invited me to his apartment, and has told me he wants me (and only me) in his life. Yet there was an opportunity to join some of his people last week, and he didn’t take me; with the “excuse” that it would be late to come back home. Which is understandable, since there is a part of the road between his place and mine that is not so safe. So I was understanding, and didn’t care too much last week.
I spontaneously invited him over to come to my place this weekend and to stay overnight so that he wouldn’t have to go home at dark. We had an amazing time last night. He brought some wine, roasted tomatoes, cookies, nice conversation, good feelings and vibes… And even great sex…”What more could I ask for?”, asks a part of my brain… “Of course I want more” is another thought. So I can have more desires, as I am grateful, too!
I usually wake up late, as I tend to bed at dawn – meaning, my “schedule” is opposite to most people’s at this moment. Yet I woke up early, to be with him. And to prepare a nice breakfast for him. Which I did, and he enjoyed…Did I do too much? Was I accommodating, instead of sticking by my boundaries? I could have let him go without breakfast, right? He is not my responsibility. I wanted to sit down with him, and enjoy some coffee…But he was in a hurry to buy some groceries and go over to his cousins’ house.
I wanted more time, just ten more minutes to talk. I asked him, please stay, just 10 more minutes…Especially because he complained again about me kindly asking the waiter to bring me more additional mushrooms, pesto, sauce, and olive oil… At the restaurant, where he invited me last time… And I ended up paying because he hadn’t taken money, nor planned to treat me dinner. What?! Anyway, I was not going to waste that moment, and I enjoyed – and shared with him – my delicious pasta.
The subject came up today, when I suggested we eat at restaurants; since I’m not available to be cooking and serving him and enjoying his company simultaneously. And so I wanted to let him know what I would like in a relationship and to listen to what he wants, too!
So he didn’t give me the ten minutes. He just left. Right after saying he’s not in love with me, as if I had asked! Right after saying he’s not ready to get married, as if I even brought up the subject. And even saying he’s not ready to quit dating, when I said we are still both on Tinder. Why did he tell me so many times, “I love you”?, if he can’t even give me some of his attention? And I was really sad -and mad- for about 3 hours!
Yes, I’m naturally very optimistic and cheerful; and I know how to pick myself up, and keep dating…Yet I believe there is a very important value that I need to filter my next dates with: Is he going to let me be me -as in the restaurant situation- and include me in his social activities? Because I don’t just want a good time in bed. That’s easy to find, and I could just text or call a guy for sex. I want more. I want to share all, as I want him (the right guy for me) to share it all with me.
Anyway, a few minutes into my own relaxation…I’ll be okay. So will he. Yet, I feel like I have to have certain boundaries. Maybe not overextending myself anymore, unless maybe if it’s a committed relationship. I wonder now: Maybe I can just be kind, and text him a warm thank you…And I did! Anyway, these are my models for this:
C: Guy’s words and actions (not kind)
T: I expect kindness from a guy I date
A: I cried a lot, I “condemned” him, calling him an a-hole, jerk & inconsiderate (in my own negative brain) I didn’t text him yet, I did a thought download, I listened to relationship advice about not over-investing & letting the wrong guys fade, I don’t work nor do anything really creative nor productive. I can’t believe he can’t even stay 10 minutes, after all the efforts I made. I don’t like how he referred to my dogs, either…
R: I don’t feel great yet (when I did this)
C: Guy’s words and actions
T: You’re just starting to date him
A: I relax, I don’t condemn him, I don’t get mad anymore, I don’t feel sad, I wonder why it’s so important for me to be included in his activities, I figure out it’s a new deal breaker I have, I respect my new boundaries, I also accept men where they are, I get back into the present, I enjoy my Sunday, I do my things, I get back into my life… I texted him: “Thanks, we had a great time 🤩”, now that I feel better, and it’s coming from love, kindness and compassion again.
R: I relax into dating with love (back into feeling good)
And I wonder:
– What could I have done better?
– Did I over-give once again?
– Is he just pulling back after sex?
– Do I let go of the expectation or of the guy?
– I want to figure this out
– I hope he keeps calling me, and making plans to go out.
So, as the title of this question goes:
I expect kindness from a guy I date: is this a manual or a deal breaker value of mine?
– By kindness, I mean: you could stay 10 minutes, since it is Sunday, and there is no business meeting nor emergency situation…
– And, by kindness, I also mean something dearest to my heart: my dogs. He said twice that they are old and “suffering”, like I should let them go. I asked him, you mean, kill them/euthanasia?… As a vegan & pro-Life, I spend daily hours taking care of them. They have great appetites and energy every day. And what he said didn’t sound kind to me nor to my dogs…
– And about him including me, I can understand that it’s way too early in the game of dating. Yet I’ve had the tendency to be in just love, romance & sex relationships; and then I realize that I want the part of being socially included, too… So I’m planning for my Future Self in Dating & Love. – We’re both still on Tinder, therefore dating/chatting/seeing? others. And I don’t have any hurry in us being committed. Which is interesting. Because he’s the one that seemed so rushed into being together!! And now I feel like I got “pulled” into this idea of us being a couple, just as he is pulling away. LOL. How the mind works!
I think I can plan Sunday Hour One, and have the most productive week. Back to my impossible goal of $100K. Because this actually depends on me. Being focused, and thinking the right thoughts to produce the results I want. Dating is fun… And challenging! I will keep on doing it, no matter the heartbreaks, no matter the ups and downs. We’ll see about this guy.