I feel dead

I have 100 tabs open on my computer of things I started to work on but didn’t finish and saved to come back to another day. Circumstances in my life are constantly changing and I’m struggling to keep my head alive. I believe so many negative things and I want to change them and I know that I need to process some emotions in order to get started, but I don’t feel like I can even do that. I’ve done so many things outside of me to try to heal myself from whatever the fuck is wrong with me. What if something wasn’t wrong with me? That’s too hard for me to believe.

I want to let go of control and I’m also afraid of what would happen if I did. I have so much rage and negativity and I think I’m in a trap that I’ll never get out of. Six months in scholars and I think I should know how to deal with all this by now, but it feels too hard to choose better thoughts. They feel fake. I have a negative belief system and outlook on life and whenever I try to get up, some other circumstance happens and I can’t find a good thought about it that I believe or could believe.

I’m looking for things outside of me. Retreats. Acupuncture. Some method I’ve never heard of. Reiki. Massage. Googling. Something to get me to release these emotions that are making me feel like crap. I feel like I’m holding so many things in that I don’t even know where to begin to process. I thought if I could get away, it could be good, but got overwhelmed looking for an airbnb and don’t want to drive and don’t really even want to move and also don’t want to pass another day in my bed.

I want detox soup and I don’t want to get up to go to the store to buy ingredients to make some.

I don’t even think I can write down everything I’m thinking and feeling here. It’s too much and I think I need help and I don’t have anyone to ask for help. Everyone thinks I’m negative when I emotion dump or they pity me. And I don’t want to be pitied. I want to be better!

I think my negative thought patterns will never be broken and I don’t want to believe that.