I feel like a baby in relationships because of how late I came out


I came out as a gay man when I was 24, and I’m now 26. I feel like seeing myself as a “baby gay” is hurting me. I am currently dating this guy, and we had an honest and raw vulnerable conversation after I blew his mind with the Model. The entire day I felt so connected to him and like it was the perfect day. He kept saying “I like you. You’re sexy. I love being around you, etc.” This made me feel like “Oh, he actually likes me as much as I like him.”

Then this conversation happened and he confessed to me that, “This is out of my comfort zone because normally guys that look like you aren’t my type.” My body language shifted I immediately felt uncomfortable and crossed my arms. He kept saying things like “I like you, but I keep having these thoughts.” Ironically he also isn’t “my type” at all physically, yet for some reason I feel like I REALLY REALLY REALLY like him. I am scared. I am scared that I like him more than he likes me. I am scared that he’s lying to me. I keep thinking, “He doesn’t like me when he says he likes me because of that conversation.” We got vulnerable and he kept telling me that he doesn’t know why he has these thoughts even though he loves being around me.

Some of the things he said were, “I’ve never had someone like me more than I like them.” This TRIGGEREDDDDD me. I immediately felt like I gave him all my power, and I don’t want to be “the one who is most vulnerable.”

He also said all day, “You’re beautiful, I like you, you’re sexy” then in this convo he was mentioning, “Normally I date guys that look like (fill in the blank)”

He also said, “I don’t know if I like you, but I do know I love love love being around you.” Even though all day he said “I like you.”

Again, my body language closed up. I didn’t want to kiss him or really touch him. At one point as he started speaking I felt a lot of shame: “Here it is again .. I’m not good enough for someone that I really like.” I started crying. I felt so pathetic. I felt ashamed for crying in front of him. I feel like he has me in the palm of his hand.

We aren’t official, yet he tells people we are dating. It feels like I’m dating two people trapped in one body. I want to push him away, and I want to be around him all the time. I feel like fire and ice. It’s weird and really hard for me to put into words.

I want to be completely unattached to the outcome. I want to trust him when he says “I like you, you’re beautiful, you’re sexy” but I don’t believe him because of that convo we had. I want to enjoy what we have now without imagining our future. I want to be myself. I want to replace neediness/lack with sufficiency and “I don’t need anything from him” energy. I want to be so confident and loving of myself that I can allow myself to take a risk I want to take with him, and should it turn out worse case scenario, I have my own back and don’t stay attached to him for too long.

I want to show up around him like MAGNETIC, charismatic, myself. I want to feel confident that I am a badass, sexy, confident, loving, POWERFUL man who does not need him (even though I want him). I want to be unattached to the outcome.

Any advice? What would be the most effective and powerful way to show up in this way?