I feel like a mess-LB

Morning! I will become a Diamond in January, and I woke up with the thought “I am a mess”. I drank 3/4 a bottle of wine last night, just cause I “wanted to”. Not even sure what the thoughts were , maybe “I deserve this”, “This will calm me down”, “This is a treat”. I’ve been working on and off on SO for 2 years, have changed this year from daily drinking to having at least a day or two a week I don’t drink, and when I do drink it’s around 2 glasses. So watching myself literally chug a glass last night and pour another really upset me. The spending this holiday season has felt stressful – and last night I also finally bought the Apple Laptop I’ve been planning for for months – it’s the one that “allows” me to do what I want to for my IG next year – take classes online, manage my family’s schedules well, be streamlined and current, etc etc, in short -a tool that makes sense – and I’m having such stressful thoughts about the 2,200 dollars it cost. “I won’t use it right”, “I’m overwhelmed thinking about how to set it up”, “I should use a cheap one” etc. I have a love hate relationship with spending money – similar to my relationship with food and alchohol. I’m what some call a “restricter” – and I’m so tired of it. I feel I should be so much more evolved after a year in scholars (think of all the money I spent :)). Not even sure where to start today. Not sure where to start. Ahhhhh.