I get triggered


My husband and I have been doing a lot of work over the last few years.
His best friend killed himself back in July 2017 and my husband (boyfriend at the time, we started dating about 1 year prior to this) went into a dark place. He was drinking a lot and hiding it from me. That went on for about a year when I finally told him I couldn’t do this anymore, and he decided to get help. Fast forward to now, we are married and in a way better place. I’ve don’t a lot of work on me and we’ve done therapy together and communicate much better.

I still have these lingering fears that he will lie or hide things from me. Some days he comes home from work and if he talks a little off or looks tired my first thought is “was he drinking,” “is he hiding something?”

Now, Ive grown a lot and feel much calmer when these thoughts do come up, but it still doesn’t feel great.

C-He comes home from work and if he talks a little off or looks tired
T-Was he drinking?
Is he hiding something?
F- Uncertain, sad, not like my normal self
A- Be quieter around him, act weird
R-Pushes us further apart

Here’s the thing: I know I will never know if he’s still doing these things for certain (I used to search for proof but I am past that) and I do bring up how I am feeling and we discuss it. He assures me he’s not drinking or lying but I still have these thoughts based on certain circumstances.

Also, there have been a handful of times where he has lied again and I’ve caught him (yes on a smaller scale than drinking a bottle), but still. My thoughts take me right back to the same place I was prior to the year of therapy we did.