I Hate My Daughter’s Father


Help me.

I just wrote 6 pages and worked through a model and want to get help on it.

I have and feel intense hate and rage towards my daughters father. We do not have an awesome history. There is violence, verbal abuse and emotional manipulation in our past. I got pregnant after just 6 weeks of dating and was about to break up with him when I found out I was pregnant. I realize that I hold some serious anger at myself for getting involved with him in the first place – AND – my daughter is the most amazing little thing and by far the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. She’ll be 8 in a month.

Over the last 8 years I’ve tried to be patient with her dad, we’ll call him MCG. I filed for sole custody and got it and I also filed for child support and got it. He paid it for 6 months and then lost his job and stopped paying. When he got another job, to keep the peace, I didn’t enforce payment. I am, however, deeply, deeply , deeply hateful and resentful that he owes me over $72K. I am also scared that if I go after it, I’ll be penalized for the several years where I made way more money than him. My horror at the thought of having to pay him a cent keeps me from taking him to court and enforcing child support. So, I asked him to pay for her school, which he can pay directly, and that’s enough.

And I still feel taken advantage of and full of rage and disgust.

Most recently he’s been medicating because of a neck injury. He’s gone into rages at my daughter, he’s been caught lying and manipulating and has also just started leaving on international trips claiming that they’re the only thing that make him and his pain feel better.

I want to kill and maim (I just looked up how to spell that word and the definition) and light him on fire.

And I hate myself for being such a mother effing victim here. I hate being the buoy in his ocean. I hate how much I hate. And still… I hold onto the anger and the hate because it feels powerful. Until now, when it just feels awful.

I watched the coaching from last week and it was super helpful. I followed along and took notes and did my models.

Here’s where I’m at.

UM

C – MCG is Lily’s dad. He rages. He lies. He medicates. He travels. He owes me over $72K
T – I FUCKING HATE MCG
F – Full on, full body, overwhelming rage
A – Ragefull thought loops, short with my daughter, resentful of how much she loves him, angry that she loves him so much. Spend all my time and energy thinking about and judging and hating someone I hate. I spend my day being a victim, thinking about someone who disgusts and repulses me.
R – I am full of hate. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate the world. I resent my daughter.

So shitty.

IM

C – MCG is Lily’s dad. He rages. He lies. He medicates. He travels. He owes me over $72K
T – I will be the one who loves me and cares FOR and takes care OF me through this
F – Strong. Compassionate towards myself.
A – I remove myself and my daughter from MCG’s situation. No visits, no FaceTime.
R – I love and care for myself. I love and care for my daughter. I respect myself. I am strong with my boundaries and I like my reason. I am also loving and compassionate with Lily and can support her through this as well.

I feel good about this model and also feel relief in the decision to just remove ourselves. I ask myself if I’m just taking the easy way out by cutting him off. Maybe he’s not so bad. How am I going to do this all on my own (I am already, though)?

Truth – I really, really like the idea of cutting him out because of how I think and feel when he’s around.
Truth – He’s medicating and lying and raging and is now off traveling again anyway.
Truth – I really like the thought that I will take care of me through this.
Truth – I still hate him am not sure I can get to love with him right now, but focusing on me and caring for me and my mental space/mental health and knowing that I’m removing my daughter from a toxic situation feels good.

Help and thanks. xo