I hate my gray hair

I’m in my 40s and going gray at a rate faster than before. My old hair was silky, thick, naturally black and very manageable. I look fairly young for my age, and the gray hair makes me look older than I feel. I’ve been trying to get used to the gray hair (which I’ve been dying since my 30s), but I hate it. It’s not smooth, kinky, not a very pretty gray color (it’s like stark white) and clashes against the parts that are still dark. I don’t even feel like taking care of myself anymore. I hate my hair, and I hate the way it looks. I’m very sad when I look in the mirror and have just started grieving for the hair I used to have. I hate the new gray hair trend – everyone has the same hair color and it looks dull and boring. Plus, because of hormone fluctuations, it’s falling out and isn’t as thick as it used to be. I never realized how attached I was to my old hair until it started to go gray. I never used to think about my hair, and now I neglect it in other ways. I hate washing and combing it because I don’t think it looks better or feels nicer. Aging in general has me not giving a shit about my appearance, but that’s not making me feel any better either.

C: Gray hair on head against black hair
T: This looks terrible
F: Depressed
A: Throw my hair in a bun, wash it 1x a week, if that, don’t do anything nice to my hair, stress when the roots start growing in, wonder about what people think about my hair, worry that it looks like crap all of the time, fantasize about shaving my head and buying a wig, avoid my reflection in the mirror
R: Feel terrible all of the time about my hair