I Have A Story

I have a story. It’s a sad story about a little girl who was abused and lost her childhood. Through my work with the LCS, I have had awareness that this story has permeated every problem that I have identified in my life. I have spent my whole life in a therapist’s chair. I have been in seven treatment centers for drug and alcohol addiction, I struggle with cigarette addiction, I have spent most of my adult life attending 12 step meetings. On and on, every model that I have done around my “problems” has shown me with glaring acuity that I continue to manifest the feelings of that victimized little girl. It’s like I have awareness that I am choosing to read this “story” over and over. I have seen it in my relationships, my attitude in the workplace, nearly every area of my life.

Now that I have had awareness for some time, I have had an amazing turn of attitude recently. I want to stop reading this “story.” It was 50 years ago and I am just bored with having this story run my life. I want to put the book away. Place it on the shelf and choose to have another “story.” A story of empowerment, hard work and resilience. I know the “book” will always be there, I just choose not to read it anymore. I choose another “book.” I am writing another story. It feels so freeing to imagine a life where my new story is the one I choose to read.

My question is, should I leave therapy? I have been treated for my problems, a lifetime of therapy and treatment centers. I’ve done the work. I’ve been given the coping skills. To be honest, I have gotten more from six months of SCS than I have from a lifetime of therapy. I am ready to fly. I am currently still seeing a therapist once a week and attending a 12 step support group daily. I am considering leaving therapy. I am desiring going down to once a month to trial then eventually ending the therapy relationship. The reason is that the therapy is focused on my “story” that I would like to put away. The 12 step groups are focused on my problems and I struggle with the concept that I am “powerless.” I choose to be empowered instead.

I can hear Brook’s voice in my head. I think she would coach me to stand up and do what I know I need to do in my life and to put that old “story” on the shelf. It has run it’s course. My hesitation is in that I have been told that I will need all these support services for the rest of my life or I will basically die a horrible death. This I can’t believe. It does not have a place in my new story. Any coaching on this decision is appreciated. My model looks like this:

C: Diagnoses were made
T: OMG I am fucked for life
F: trapped (btw, this is an old story feeling)
A: try my hardest to do a good job in recovery, go to a million meetings, pay countless amounts of money on therapy, frantically do anything that I think might make me “better”,
R: periods of sobriety with episodes of occasional relapse, feelings of guilt for relapsing, feeling guilty if I miss any meetings, low self-esteem

Lately, though, I am feeling ready for a new model:

C: Diagnoses were made
T: I have gotten all of the skills I need to be free and happy
F: Empowered
A: Apply for a new position, Work hard in ccp classes to become a life coach, dance again, hike, nourish my body with good food
R: I feel proud of my accomplishments, financial security, freedom to dance and to choreograph my own dance and life