I have had an Eating Disorder (Anorexia/Bulimia) since I was a teen and I am now 50.

Not many people know this (at least that’s what I think). I had a break from this when I had children, but now my kids are 18 and 16. I am divorced, have an estranged relationship with my daughter who is 18 and close relationship with my son who is 16. I really want to move forward with my life, yet I feel I am stuck in the spinning wheel of both ED/OD .

As a new scholar for July/August, I am new at this and I am also very excited. I am embodying this material and love the workbooks, videos, podcasts, and other coach instructors. I stopped drinking for 5 weeks until I went on vacation to Mexico and I drank almost everyday for the 10 days I was there. I was like, “how do I not drink while on vacation?” Obviously I did not stop to write out a model while I was there…even though I brought my workbooks, journals, etc. I just got back last night.

My daughter just turned 18 today and I am a mess because she did not want to spend it with me. She went to dinner with her Dad and his girlfriend & her 2 kids. I wrote models 3x today hoping to fend off over drinking and overeating…didn’t work. My ex husband is a narcissist and although I know he will always think he is right, his comments tend to send me into a tailspin of self-doubt and anger…which I usually take out on myself with OD/OE.

Where I need coaching is how do I overcome the overwhelming feeling of shame associated with not having a relationship with my daughter. I have tried absolutely everything. From getting too close, to staying away. Today, I delivered her gifts to my ex’s front door and texted her that it was there. i left her flowers, gifts from Mexico and an awesome book by Pema Chodran about Failing. It’s very close to your idea of 50/50. My daughter is leaving to go to university in a couple weeks and i don’t even think she wants me to come with her to drop her off at school. She has been living with her Dad for the last 2 years and quite honestly it’s all about Dad.

How do I let her know I love her, yet not overwhelm her with my desire to be close?

Right now, I get it that she does not want me in her life much. Although it kills me, I get it. However, how do I not take it so personally that I destroy myself in the process. There is a disconnect that I cannot see. Maybe you can?