I "Have To"

I have depression and ADHD. Today I noticed I was thinking “I feel sad.” Then, I noticed myself think “I have to keep going.” I felt disappointed because I was thinking “I should not push myself to work when my body is tired.” Now I am thinking, “These are only thoughts. Nothing has gone wrong.” That thought feels “dismissive” as if I am not allowing myself adequate rest. When I feel dismissive, I don’t act on the thought “I should not push myself…and decide to keep working or not working.” I want to get work done, and ALLOW myself to think that “I should take better care of myself by not working when I feel sad.” The thing is, thinking, “I should take better care of myself by resting” is what my brain does to reduce the discomfort of showing up to work even when I do not feel like it. I can feel sad and work.

Unintentional Model

C: I noticed a thought, “I have to keep going.”
T: I should not think that about myself.
F: Judgmental
A: Doubt that I am doing it “right.” Delay just deciding and delay being willing to do it “wrong.” Overthink my own thoughts. Act as if I am what I am thinking.

Intentional Model

C: I noticed I was thinking “I have to keep going.”
T: I am glad I noticed I was thinking that.
F: Aware
A: Allow the thought to come and go. Notice that I get to decide to let go of my thoughts. Remind myself of the value of paying attention to myself
R: Create more awareness of myself

My question is….do you see something my brain is doing that will increase my awareness even more?

My brain is no longer feeling threatened by my own thoughts.